DURHAM, NC--JJ Redick has received a lot of hate mail in his career at Duke, but today he received one from an unlikely source: Pope Benedict XVI, who apparently is a college basketball fan. “Wow, I know a lot of people dislike me, but this is a new low,” said Redick, holding the handwritten letter written on Vatican stationary. “Listen to this: ‘Dear JJ. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You are stupid and you suck and nobody cares about your stupid career. If you ever play a game in Rome you will be booed out of the arena because everyone here hates you, too. Go crawl back under whatever rock you came from.’ And it’s signed ‘Pope Benedict XVI.’ Oh well, at least it wasn’t full of curse words, like that one I got from the Dali Lama.”
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LOS ANGELES--Officials from Electronic Arts (EA) say they are baffled by the lackluster sales for their latest video game, Brokeback Mountain: The Cowboy Diaries. As of its release two weeks ago, the game has sold a paltry 3,000 copies, forcing EA to rethink its strategy for targeting the 18-35 male demographic. “I don’t get it. People love cowboys, right? This is the ultimate cowboy game,” said Dan Mattrick, EA Sports vice-president. “You can ride on the range, herd cattle, shoot people—heck you might even fall in love with another cowboy. This is a deep, multi-layered game with endless possibilities. I don’t know. I guess I’m out of touch with our target demographic. Now I’m starting to second guess our latest video game project, How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2K7.”
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NEW YORK--Some bitch from the National Organization of Women (NOW) is calling for the firing of beloved Penn State football coach Joe Paterno after Paterno made some comments that caused her to get her panties in a knot. The comments were in regards to the sexual assault charges against Florida State linebacker AJ Nicholson. “Mr. Paterno, with his comments, implies that AJ Nicholson is the victim here, and the girl is just some slut who got what she deserved,” said the pain-in-the-ass bitch, who completely misconstrued Paterno’s harmless words. “What he said was sexist and very dangerous, and we are demanding that he step down.” However, she is not going to get her wish since Joe Paterno is a beloved national icon and she’s just some broad from an organization nobody’s ever heard of.
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EUGENE, OR-
Officials from the University of Oregon football program were embarrassed yesterday upon learning that Nike uniform designers have been screwing with them all this time. The revelation helped explain the bizarre, hilarious uniforms that Nike has provided for the Ducks the past few seasons. Mike Treadwell, who designed last year’s uniforms, apologized to the University, but refused to take all of the blame himself. “OK I admit it was wrong to fuck with you guys like this, but you really should’ve caught on by now,” said Treadwell in a press conference today. “I mean, how much more obvious can it get? Did you happen to see what your players were wearing these past few years? You must have known something was wrong. And last year, frankly, we were trying to get caught. It was a calculated effort on our part to let you in on the joke. Jesus, is everybody in the Pacific northwest this stupid?” Despite the announcement from Nike, Oregon still plans to let the company design its uniforms for next year.
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LOS ANGELES--The movie Glory Road, about an all-black basketball team that defeats and all-white basketball team, is sort of like Hoosiers for black people, sources reported Tuesday. Director Jerry Bruckheimer discussed the similarities between the two movies in an interview in Esquire magazine. “You know how white people get a hard-on watching that team in Hoosiers beat up on the all-black team?” he asked. “It’s pretty much the same thing. Finally black people have a similar movie in which they can enjoy watching a black team beat the shit out of a white team. It’s a level playing field. Now if both races would just shut the fuck up about both movies, the world would be a better place.”
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OAKLAND--The Raiders have been interviewing coaching candidates all week but have yet to decide who will take the helm from the departed Norv Turner. Several qualified candidates are said to be available but the Raiders are taking their time and said they will not make any decision until they consult with Sportsnation, a collection of knowledgeable and devoted fans that voices its opinions in opinion polls conducted by ESPN.com. “Choosing a new coach is one the most important and difficult decisions an owner can make,” said Davis, in a conference call with reporters last week. “. In order to guarantee that I make the right decision, I’m going to consult Sportsnation before I do anything. So if any of you people work for ESPN, please ask Sportsnation the following: ‘Who should be the Raiders coach this year? Al Saunders, Sean Payton, Pat Hill, or James Lofton?’ Please hurry. I don’t want to drag this out for too long.”
PORTLAND, OR--Portland Trail Blazers forward Ruben Patterson, a registered sex offender, is an inspiration to registered sex offenders everywhere. Patterson has shown that even a convicted sexual deviant can have a normal life if he works hard and puts his mind to it. The 6’5 forward enjoys being a role model to others like him. “It’s really gratifying to know that people are watching you and looking up to you,” said Patterson, who plead guilty in 2001 of attempting to force his child’s nanny to perform a sex act. “You know, being a regsitered sex offender is not a death sentence. You can still live a very productive, meaningful life. I guess I’m living proof of that. To all the sex offenders out there: Never, ever give up on your dreams – unless they somehow involve getting a real job. Then you should give up on them.”
PITTSBURGH--According to team sources, everybody on the Steelers is protecting their ankles around defender Kimo Van Oelhoffen, who viciously dove at Carson Palmer’s ankle during the first week of the playoffs, tearing his ACL and MCL in the process. Since the incident, which Van Oelhoffen insisted was “accidental,” he has been burdened with the nickname “Ankle Crusher.” “We gave him that nickname because we thought it was really appropriate,” said teammate Alan Faneca. “I mean, this guy is such a maniac that he actually busted up Carson Palmer’s ankle, just so we could get the win in Cinncinati. He’s the kind of guy you hate when he’s on the opposing team, but you love him when he’s on your side. Hopefully he’ll go after Hasselbeck during the Super Bowl. I wouldn’t do that myself, but that’s what we have Alan for. He’s a sick fuck. Piece of advice: If you ever piss him off, cover your ankles.”
TORONTO--The Kings Ron Artest caused quite a stir Sunday afternoon when he charged into the stands of Toronto’s Air Canada Centre to help an old lady into her seat. Artest has promised to be on his best behavior with his new home, and Sunday’s incident may be proof that he’s trying to turn over a new leaf. Still, witnesses described the incident as “frightening.” “We were just sitting here and all of a sudden that Artest guy started charging toward us,” said one fan, who was sitting nearby. “Everybody kind of froze in their seats, and to our horror he was heading straight for this old lady in a walker. I was like ‘No, don’t murder the old woman! She’s helpless!’ But a funny thing happened: He walked right up to her, smiled and guided her into her seat. What a great guy. I wish all NBA players were like that.” Kings management also commended Artest for his actions, but asked him to please stop jumping into the stands and frightening everybody.
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OKLAHOMA CITY--The recent expulsion of Chris Anderson from the NBA has left a huge hole in the New Orleans Hornets locker room. Gone is the affable, energetic kid that was friends with everyone on the team. Also gone is the weed connection for just about every member of the Hornets. “Wow, Chris is gone? That’s a huge blow to this team,” said guard J.R. Smith. “He was a great guy, a great teammate, but most of all, he was our pot connection. He was so reliable. If you wanted some, he’d have it for you the next day. We just got to leaning on him. Now, I don’t know where I’m going to turn. None of us do. Does anybody have his home number? I just want to see how he’s doing.”
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