CHARLOTTE, NC--Emeka Okafor, center for the Charlotte Bobcats, has yet to turn into the dominating center the Bobcats hoped for when they drafted him with the second pick in the 2004 draft. Even his world-renowned 3.8 grade point average, which he graduated with after three years at Uconn, isn’t doing much for him as he sits on the bench in street clothes nursing a bum ankle. “Yea, he’s helping us a lot. What a great pick that was,” said coach Bernie Bickerstaff. “Such a smart kid, too. Can you believe that grade point average? Unbelievable. Maybe while he’s sitting there on the bench he can read A Tale of Two Cities or something. Then when he gets back on the court he can recite Shakespearean love sonnets while dumber players hammer slam dunks in his face. I’m telling you, this is the last time I draft somebody intelligent.”
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DETROIT--Officials in charge of the annual Maxim magazine-sponsored Super Bowl party were thrilled to learn that only 3 date rapes were committed at this year’s festivities. That number is a record low for the parties, which involve large amounts of alcohol and scantily-clad “Maxim girls.” “This party was a huge success by anybody’s standards,” said a spokesman for Maxim on Monday morning. “The low amount of date rapes just proves that we have gone above and beyond the call of duty in encouraging people to behave appropriately, drink in moderation, and not take advantage of the inebriated, half-naked, not-terribly-bright female patrons.” The statement concluded with a promise that next year’s party will shoot for no date rapes at all, although they aren’t getting its hopes up.
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GAZA STRIP--Palestinian Islamic group Hamas shocked the world today by agreeing to lay down their arms permanently and recognize Israel’s right to exist. A spokesman for the group, Mohammed Nazzal, said the decision was made after leaders watched Stevie Wonder’s Super Bowl pre-game medley, which ended with the legendary singer making an impassioned plea for peace and tolerance. “Our hearts were warmed by that blind man, Stevie Wonder, and his call for peace and understanding,” said Nazzal. “His words were so very poignant. You know, we really are all in this together. We’ve got to work together. We’ve got to join hands. We’ve got to stop the madness and teach our children how to love again. That is why we are laying down our arms for good. From now on, we are all about coming together and having a good time.”
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PEBBLE BEACH, CA--A visibly frustrated Vijay Singh asked actor Bill Murray on Sunday to please stop doing cartwheels while he was putting.The incident occurred at the Pebble Beach National Pro Am, which Singh lost by 8 strokes. “Please, Mr. Murray, stop doing cartwheels while I’m trying to shoot,” said Singh, his voice drowned out by applause and laughter from the gallery. “Mr Murray! Bill! Seriously, I’m trying to putt here. This isn’t Caddyshack. Yes, Yes that’s very funny, but I can’t concentrate with you carrying on like that. Thank you. Just one moment and then you can go back to your clowning. Just one….Bill! Dammit, get back here with my hat!” The crowd roared its approval as Murray threw Singh’s hat into a nearby water hazard.
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TURIN, ITALY--The United States continued to dominate the rest of the world in something called “half-pipe” in the Turin Olympics. As of Monday, the US had won four medals in the half-pipe, which appears to have been invented and mastered by US teens sometime in the past three or four years. Even NBC commentator Jim Lampley seemed confused by the curious non-sport. “And the American Hannah Teter has just won the gold in that half-pipe thingy,” Lampley said during Sunday night’s broadcast. “Apparently that’s some kind of snowboarding thing, where you go up and down this ramp and try to do these maneuvers called ‘tricks’ that are supposedly really difficult. Anyway, she won it with something called a ‘fakey.’ That doesn’t sound like something you’d win a gold medal with. That sounds like something you’d do in a video game. But whatever, they pay me to talk, not analyze.”
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LEXINGTON, KY--Gary Norton, creator of the comical sports blog “Going Going Gone,” has spent that last two days painstakingly scanning the archives for any material that might be considered offensive to Islam. “After watching those Danish cartoon protests, I got to thinking that some of the stuff I’ve written might be offensive to Islam,” Norton said. “I know I’ve done a couple Iraq jokes here and there, and I also had a link to that video game where you can shoot the caricature of Bin Laden with a rifle. There were a couple other things out there, too. I’ve got to go through all the archives and make sure. It’s not that I favor censorship or anything, it’s just that, well, those people are crazy and I really don’t want to piss them off.” According to a recent internet poll, thousands of other bloggers are performing similar scans through their archives to ensure they are “respectful to all religions.”
DENVER--TNT’s Sheryl Stegman, who producer the NBA All-Star game halftime show, believed the show had “something for everyone,” because it incorporated both country music and r & b. “We wanted to put something together that had something for everyone,” said Stegman, who wanted the musical entertainment to “cover the entire musical spectrum.” “We got Carrie Underwood for the country music crowd and John Legend for the r & b people. OK, so we could’ve gotten Nickelback for the rockers, but still, we covered two out of the three musical genres. There’s nothing else left. That’s why I was the right person to hire to coordinate this whole show. I have such eclectic musical taste.” For next year’s halftime show, Stegman will attempt to book Trace Adkins and Beyonce, which covers pretty much everything that anyone could want to hear.
MIAMI--Dolphins running back Ricky Williams, fresh from a trip to India, will embark on another “journey of the mind” when he listens to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon while watching the classic movie Wizard of Oz. According to Williams, the movie and the album were meant to be played together. “A lot of people have told me that if you cue up Dark Side of the Moon right at the beginning of Wizard of Oz you’ll find that the movie and the album totally correspond to each other,” said Williams, who first heard of the phenomenon from his friend, Lenny Kravitz. “Apparently its pretty wild. Some people say Floyd did it on purpose, others say it’s just some weird cosmic thing where they’re just totally in synch with each other. Anyway, this is how I’m spending my offseason.” Williams added that he is really looking forward to the scene when Dorothy’s house flies through the air while the song “Great Gig in the Sky” plays.
E RUTHERFORD, NJ--The New Jersey Nets took a verbal thrashing today from their coach, Lawrence Frank, after having a lackluster practice. As the diminutive Frank tore into his team, many players struggled to keep a straight face. “You guys have been horrible today! You sucked!” screamed Frank, his face beat red and the veins bulging on his forehead. “I’ve seen HIGH SCHOOL teams play better! I’ve seen fucking GIRLS play better! If you pussies don’t shape up and have a decent fucking practice tomorrow I’m gonna SEND ALL YOUR FUCKING ASSES TO THE NBDL!” Franks them stormed out of the locker room, leaving his players rolling on the floor laughing.
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TURIN, ITALY--After the closing ceremonies of the Turin Olympics, US skier Bode Miller announced that he was going to skip the plane ride home and instead swim back to America. According to Miller, airplanes are “lame” and swimming across the Atlantic presents “a pretty wild challenge” “I’m not a big plane guy. That kind of stuff has never really been important to me,” said Miller. “What I’m interested in is challenging my limits and pushing myself. It’s going to take a lot of strength and stamina to do this but, whether I drown or not, I think it’s going to be pretty rewarding.” Miller then announced he was going to bring a case of beer with him to make the journey go by faster.
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LOS ANGELES--Ronny Turiaf, forward for the Los Angeles Lakers, has been telling teammates that he attended Gonzaga University, the all-white university located in Spokane, Washington. Turiaf, who is black, apparently thinks his teammates just fell off the turnip truck. “Heh. That Ronny kids is a hot ticket,” said Laker forward Lamar Odom. “I don’t know if he’s joking around or he’s really trying to fool us. I mean, are we supposed to believe that a black kid went to Gonzaga? Yea, right, and Luke Walton played for the Harlem Globetrotters. Tell us another one, Ronny.” Odom also said that photos of Turiaf in a Gonzaga uniform, “were probably just photoshopped or something.”
DETROIT--The Detroit Pistons, owners of a staggering 47-9 record, are reportedly so fucking awesome that they can’t even believe it. Members of the team have joined the fans and the media in marveling at how one group of players can kick the gargantuan amount of ass they’ve been kicking all year. Coach Flip Saunders spoke about his team after yet another victory on Monday night. “Ho hum we got another victory. Who did we beat again? The Wizards? Oh, no it was the Bulls, that’s right. No disrespect to them but after a while they all become the same. I don’t even get it. We’re not even breaking a sweat anymore. I feel sorry for whoever we are playing next. I can assure you they are not walking away with any pride.” Saunders then admitted that coaching in Detroit is much better than coaching in “Loserville,” or Minnesota.
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