NEW YORK--Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez, who was pulled from a start recently with tightness in his shoulder, has been placed on a strict no-pitch limit by team doctors. Manager Jerry Manuel said the team was acting “out of an abundance of caution.” “We don’t want to take any chances with Pedro,” said Manuel. “It’s still early in the season and we’re going to need him for the stretch run. That’s why we’re putting him on a no-pitch limit. That way even if he’s throwing really well, we’ll take him out if he passes his limit. Yea, I know what you’re thinking: if he’s on a no-pitch limit, he won’t even have the chance to throw real well. True enough, but we’re still going to proceed cautiously with this one, no matter how silly it may seem.”
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OAKLAND--Former NFL quarterback Jeff George announced today that he was pondering a return to the game. However, he wondered if such a decision would serve to tarnish his legacy. “You have to wonder if it’s the right thing to do at this point,” George told the Contra Costa Times. “I mean, you look at all the other guys who had great careers and then stuck around too long and tarnished their legacy. I certainly wouldn’t want to do that. My legacy is all I have. That being said, the itch to return to the game is pretty strong right now. I’m hearing that the Lions might be interested in me, or possibly the Ravens. I just hope the Colts, Falcons, Raiders, Vikings, Redskins, Seahawks, and Bears fans don’t start calling me a ‘traitor.’ I know how protective they can be of their hometown heroes.”
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COLUMBUS, OH--The Ohio State Buckeyes won the NIT Tournament back in April and they haven’t stopped celebrating since. The champs just returned from a team trip to Vegas and will spend the next week partying with family, friends, and well-wishers. “Oh man I haven’t slept in like two weeks,” said guard Jamar Butler. “It’s been a whirlwind. I get so many phone calls and texts and emails from everybody – I’m hearing from people I haven’t talked to since grade school! It’s almost too much. But you know, this is something that happens once in a lifetime and you have to savor the moment. My only concern is overexposure. If we keep popping up everywhere, America’s going to get sick of us.”
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LAS VEGAS--Memphis rookie O.J. Mayo is finding life in the NBA’s Summer League a little less glamorous than his high school and college days. Normally surrounded by a large entourage of friends, family, and management, Mayo has traveled back and forth to Summer League games all by himself, as nobody is interested in going with him. “Geez I wish my posse would show a little bit more loyalty,” said Mayo, as he packed his clothes into a duffle bag following his final Summer League game. “They usually hang all over me, but for Summer League nobody’s even returning my calls. Duane, Big Poppy, Double E, T-Bone, Ross – they’re all no-shows. I guess Summer League hoops is when you find out who your real friends are. Apparently I don’t have any.”
SEATTLE--The Seattle Mariners used some good old-fashioned small ball on Tuesday in a game against the Texas Rangers, when shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt executed a suicide squeeze to bring home runner Jose Lopez. The perfectly executed play brought the Mariners to within nine runs. “That right there is an example of good old fashioned small ball,” said manager Jim Riggleman. “We’ve been working real hard on situational hitting, and in that situation we really needed to get the run across. Yuniesky did a great job of sacrificing himself for the team. That’s the kind of play that puts pressure on the defense. I think that’s why they were laughing at us so much. They couldn’t believe we’d have the balls to do that.” The Mariners ended up losing the game 14-2 and Betancourt was awarded the game ball by Riggleman for his selfless play.
LOS ANGELES--Giants starter Kevin Correia intentionally walked the first eight batters in a game against the Dodgers last night in order to get to Andruw Jones, who was batting ninth. Jones, who is struggling this season to the tune of a .169 batting average, struck out on three pitches, leaving the bases loaded. Despite walking in five runs, Correia said he had no regrets about his decision. “If I had to do it all over again, I would probably do the same thing,” he said. “Andruw has been struggling. I mean, really struggling. He’s the guy you want to face when you get up there. And he didn’t disappoint. Three pitches, three strikes. That really gave us a shot of adrenaline. It’s just too bad they pulled him out of the game because I was hoping to face him 27 times.” After the game, Joe Torre insisted that the 8 intentional walks were “a testament to the power of the rest of the lineup.”
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PHILADELPHIA--The Philadelphia Soul won their first Arena Bowl on Sunday, defeating the San Jose SaberCats 59-56, and for some reason they’re all excited about it. “Yea! We win, baby! Woohoo!” shouted QB Matt D’Orazio, who threw 7 touchdown passes in the meaningless game. “Philadelphia Soul, 2008 Arena Bowl champions! Nobody gave us a chance. Nobody said we could do it…okay, nobody said we couldn’t do it either. For the most part nobody really talked about it because it’s Arena football. Still, it’s better than working in an office or something. I mean, most offices. I hear Google is a pretty great place to work. Anyway, give me some more of that champagne. At least I’m going to get some free booze out of this.”
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