NEW YORK--Much to the chagrin of Major League Baseball, the winner of the 2007 World Series has been leaked to the World Wide Web by internet gossip site TMZ.com. According to a blurb on the site, the Boston Red Sox will win the series in six games over the Milwaukee Brewers. Officials from MLB are said to be “outraged” at the leak and considering a lawsuit. “This is outrageous and totally illegal and we will be seeking damages from TMZ.com,” said a spokesman for Major League Baseball. “The result of the World Series is supposed to be confidential. We have no idea how they got the information but their reckless behavior has totally ruined the season for us. We stand to lose millions in attendance and advertising revenue and our greatest product, the Fall Classic, has been rendered a mere formality. Now the only reason people have to tune in is to hear Tim McCarver talk and to learn about Fox’s exciting new fall schedule.” The site also revealed that the World Series MVP would be Manny Ramirez and that the broadcast would suffer its lowest ratings ever.
|
ATLANTA--The Atlanta Braves officially unretired Hank Aaron’s number 44 today, as the famed slugger is no longer the all-time home run champ and has been relegated to the dustbin of history. “Well that’s it for old Hank,” said GM John Schuerholz. “He had a good run but now it’s over. Barry Bonds is the new home run king and Hank Aaron is, well, a decent home run hitter. No need to retire his number. I mean, we love him and all, but these numbers don’t grow on trees. I’m sure Hank would agree with that. He will, however, remain in the Braves Hall of Fame, because we already have a display up and it would be a pain in the ass to take it down.” Schuerholz did say that the team would retire Bonds’ number 25 and that the current owner of that number, Andruw Jones, would be forced to switch to 44.
|
BETHLEHEM, PA--Philadelphia Eagles sixth round draft choice Ramon Barkley has announced that he will not attend training camp until he receives a contract equal to that of a fifth round pick. The cornerback from Central Connecticut, along with his agent, Josh Arnold, believe his unexpected drop to the sixth round should not be held against him in negotiations. “I know in my heart that I’m a fifth rounder,” Barkley said. “I always envisioned myself being the 168th or 169th pick. The fact that I dropped down was a fluke that happened because so many teams were drafting for need at that point and, also, many didn’t know I existed. That being said, my agent and I are flexible as far as bonus incentives and guaranteed money and we’re waiting patiently for the Eagles to call us.” When reached for comment, Eagles head coach Andy Reid had this to say: “Who?”
|
NEW YORK--According to ESPN’s Marc Stein, the New York Knicks and 36-year-old shooting guard Allan Houston have agreed in principle to a 10-year $100 million contract. Houston has been planning a comeback recently and stated that he would give the Knicks, his old team, first dibs on his services. “They are very close to a deal,” Stein wrote today. “Allan really wanted to come back to the Knicks and apparently the feeling was mutual. Once it became apparent that both sides were interested in each other it was just a matter of getting together and hammering out the details. Houston reportedly asked for a one-year deal at the veteran’s minimum, but New York insisted on locking him up for 10 years at $10 million per year. Finally, Houston’s camp gave in and signed the deal.” According to sources close to the negotiations, the contract also includes an escalator clause to be triggered if Houston goes down with a career-ending injury.
KANSAS CITY, MO--Leonard Mitchell, a 36-year-old African-American, found himself defending dog fighting yesterday when three of his co-workers at Northwestern Mutual began viciously attacking Falcons QB Michael Vick. “What do you know anyway, Claire?” Mitchell said to his co-worker. “You’ve never been to a dog fight, you don’t know what goes on, and furthermore, you can’t understand the kind of culture that Mike Vick was raised in. Just because you can’t relate to it doesn’t mean you should condemn it, especially when you don’t know all the facts.” Afterward, Mitchell was surprised by his outburst. “Wow, I can’t believe I just defended dog fighting,” he said, shaking. “I think dog fighting is gross. I guess I just got tired of hearing those middle-aged, Lifetime-watching bitches criticize a brother when they haven’t even walked in his shoes. Oh well I guess I should apologize now. We’re having a cake later for Janice and I don’t want it to be all awkward.”
OAKLAND--With contract negotiations with the Raiders at a standstill, top draft pick JaMarcus Russell is threatening to eat one whole cake every day that he is not signed to a contract, raising the possibility that the Raiders QB of the future could resemble Ted Washington if the team doesn’t move to end the impasse soon. “I shall eat one cake, one entire cake, every day until the Raiders agree to my contract demands,” Russell told reporters yesterday. “It will be an ice cream cake, with the crunchy things in the middle and a big football on the top, and I will eat it right before bed. No, actually, I shall eat it in bed, while watching television, with the cake resting on my already oversized stomach. Unless the team wants me to be completely immobile when I take the field, I suggest they put pen to paper as soon as possible.” “Lest they think I’m bluffing,” he added. “I will consume one right now. Hang on…Okay, all done. Pretty fast, huh? And I wasn’t even hungry, either.’”
|
PHOENIX, AZ--Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Ben Sheets became the all time leader in simulated games on Monday when he pitched in his 372nd sim game, edging Mark Prior for the record. Sheets, who threw about 78 pitches in the game, said he had mixed emotions about the milestone. “On the one hand, it’s nice to see my name up there with guys like Mark Prior and Kerry Wood,” said Sheets. “On the other hand, it’s a little dispiriting that I’ve played in so few actual games. Hopefully I can get myself healthy and start accumulating actual games on a consistent basis. Also, before I forget, I have to give credit to the Brewers’ medical staff. Thanks a lot, guys. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it. Actually, stop doing it. Please. I want to be able to pitch for a whole season without breaking down.”
|
CAMBRIDGE, MA--A new statistical algorithm designed to calculate the number of wins an NFL team recorded in previous years has the Indianapolis Colts winning 11 games last year. The figure is startlingly close to the team’s actual total of 12. “This new statistic, which I call PWLY, or Projected Wins Last Year, is going to be pretty useful in determining how a team performed last year,” said Aaron Schatz of Football Outsiders, who devised the new system. “What we’re doing is taking stats like points scored, yards gained, and turnovers, and adjusting them according to variables such as strength of schedule and weather conditions. Then we make a statistical comparison to every other team in the league and come out with a fairly accurate number representing how many wins a team had last year. Obviously it’s a work in progress, but we came pretty damn close with the Colts.” On the other end of the spectrum, PWLY had the Chicago Bears winning 27 games last season.
CHICAGO--Bears linebacker Lance Briggs was charged with leaving the scene of an accident yesterday after he smashed his Lamborghini into a light pole on the north side of Chicago at around 3:30 a.m. and left it there. Briggs never reported the incident to police, admitting that he just “totally forgot.” “Whoa, I totally forgot about that,” Briggs said yesterday. “I don’t even…wait, I left it in the road? A Lamborghini? Let’s see here: I went out to dinner, then I went to the club, then I left at closing time, then I was driving around and…yea, I hit a pole and left my car there! Duh! What was I thinking? I guess I just woke up this morning with a lot on my mind and forgot about it. Man, there must be something wrong with me. That reminds me, I wonder what happened to that Ferrari I bought last year?”
|
