DALLAS, TX--Kyra Sedgwick, that chick from The Closer, materialized on screen during Saturday night’s broadcast of the Mavericks-Suns game on TNT. Sedgwick walked to the middle of the screen, paused, shined a flashlight, then continued walking until she finally disappeared. “Whoa, what the hell is that Closer lady doing on my TV screen?” asked 25-year-old Josh Harvey, a Mavericks fan trying to watch the game. “Move out of the way, bitch! I can’t see the fast break. Did they score? What happened? Ah! Stop shining that flashlight in my eyes. Goddamn it. That was the tying basket, too. Well that does it. I’m never watching The Closer. Not that I was planning to anyway. I don’t think I have room in my life for another show about dusting for fingerprints.” Harvey then suggested that Dirk Nowitzki materialize during a crucial scene in this week’s The Closer.
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MIAMI--Dolphins backup quarterback Joey Harrington threatened to attend training camp this year if the team doesn’t award him a 3-year contract extension worth around $10 million. Harrington made the announcement on Sunday through his agent, David Dunn. “Joey wants a new deal, he feels like he deserves a new deal and if the Dolphins don’t offer him one he will consider attending training camp,” said Dunn. “It’s not something he wants to do, but he is keeping all his options on the table. I would advise the Dolphins to enter contract negotiations or things could get really, really ugly. Just ask the Detroit Lions.”
Hours later, the Dolphins announced they were working on a 3-year, $10 million deal for Harrington. Details were to be announced on Tuesday.
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DALLAS--Frank Riske, Dallas Mavericks fan, thumped his chest, shouted inspirational slogans, and repeatedly used the word “we,” while celebrating his home team’s victory of the Miami Heat in Game 2 of the NBA finals. Riske, 42, has never touched a basketball in his life and has no known connections to the franchise. “Yes! We rule! We will not be denied!” shouted Riske from his sofa, after the Mavericks put the finishing touches on their 99-85 victory. “You’re not in Detroit anymore, Shaq! You’re in the Big D now, and we do not back down! Now we’re on our way to Miami to finish the job!” Riske then logged onto a popular Miami Heat message board and ordered all posters to “bow down to him” because he wiped the court with their asses.
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BAQUOPA, IRAQ--For a few short hours Monday in the war-ravaged city of Baquopa, Iraq, there was a welcome respite from the gunfire and bombing raids, as US Marines and Al-Qaeda terrorists stood side by side in front of the window of an electronics store to watch the World Cup. During the lull in violence, terrorists removed their black headscarves and Marines placed their weapons down as they shared an intimate moment spurred on by the Beautiful Game. “That was amazing,” said Sgt. Barry Moss, a squad leader in Baqoupa. “Even though we are enemies, we were brought together by the game of soccer. It does have the power to change the world. It gives people hope. For those few brief hours, all of us - the Marines, the insurgents - we were all just men, men watching football. We didn’t see them as beheading nut-jobs and they didn’t see us as infidels. Of course, when the US lost we got a little pissed off and had to go medieval on their asses. Needless to say they think we’re infidels Satans again.”
MIAMI--Referee Joe Crawford thanked Miami Heat forward Antoine Walker Sunday night for showing him the error of his ways after he made an erroneous foul call during Game 2 of the finals. Crawford quickly overturned the call and credited Walker for his knowledge of the game. “Antoine is one of the smartest players in basketball, and when he tells you something, you listen,” said Crawford. “He really let me have it when I made that bullshit call on him. He was screaming at me and spitting all over my face and practically crying, when I finally realized he was right. He never touched the guy. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I appreciated the assistance. If there were more guys in the league like him there would be a lot less blown calls.”
CLEVELAND--Running back Reuben Droughns apologized to his Cleveland Browns teammates yesterday for assaulting his wife last month. Droughns promised that it would never happen again and said he was “deeply regretful” about the distraction it caused to the team. “I just want to say to my teammates and coaches that I’m sorry for assaulting my wife,” said Droughs, who was charged with throwing his wife out the door of their Denver home. “Domestic abuse is a terrible thing because it can cause a lot of distractions for the team. It definitely won’t happen again, no matter how much my wife pisses me off, because I don’t want to get arrested and put the team in the difficult position of having to replace me.” Droughns also agreed to appear in a public service announcement in which he educates other football players on the dangers of beating up your wife when you’re the team’s best option at running back.
NEW YORK--Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano, who has been out all season with elbow problems, played catch today for the first time in months. Pavano is earning $10 million this year, which makes it one of the most lucrative games of catch in history. “Here you go, here’s another one!” Pavano shouted to a Yankees bullpen catcher, as he heaved another soft-toss in his direction. “How much was that one worth? A thousand dollars? Ten thousand dollars? Here comes another! Weeeeeeee! Ca-ching! This is fun. I am getting a little tired, though. That’s 10 tosses. I’m on a self-imposed toss count. Why don’t we wrap this up so I can go ice my shoulder for a few hours. Hopefully I’ll feel good enough in a couple months that I can do this again.”
COLUMBUS, OH--Incoming Ohio State center Greg Oden, who is recovering from wrist surgery, has assured the Buckeye coaching staff that he will be healthy and ready to play in time for the 2007 NBA draft. Oden, 18, is attending Ohio State for the year while he waits for his 19th birthday, when he will be eligible to play in the NBA. On Tuesday, Ohio State coach Thad Matta said he was encouraged by the news but that he would prefer Oden return “a bit earlier” to contribute to the Buckeyes quest for a national championship. “Well it’s terrific that Greg is so confident about his recovery,” said Matta. “You always hate to see a kid get injured like that, especially when he’s on the verge of a great career. However, I hope he can come back a bit early. I mean, we recruited the kid for a reason. We want him to play. Otherwise what do we get out of this bargain? Nothing. I hope he still doesn’t expect me to do his homework for him. Ha. Fat chance.”
BERLIN, GERMANY--After being eliminated from the World Cup in a 2-1 loss to Ghana, members of the US soccer team said they had many regrets, including wasting all that time running around for absolutely nothing. “Man, what a waste of time that was,” said midfielder Claudio Reyna. “I don’t know how many times I ran up and down that field. It must have been about a million. It’s just back and forth, back and forth. And the worst part is, we only scored 2 goals in the whole tournament. 2 goals! Imagine that? All that huffing and puffing for 2 frigging goals. What a waste of time. I guess it’s true what the great Pele said about soccer: ‘It’s pointless when you win, but even more pointless when you lose.’”
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