NEW YORK—Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has announced that he will no longer bother coming to the plate in non-clutch situations, because they are a waste of time and “beneath him.” The new policy will take effect immediately. “I figure I don’t need to come to the plate in these non-clutch situations,” Jeter told the media today. “If there’s no one on base, and it’s not late in the game, and there’s nothing on the line, just run someone else up there. Send in Brett Gardner or Robbie Cano or something. It’s beneath me. I am Derek Jeter. I am Mister October. Wake me up when the game is on the line. Otherwise, piss off.” Manager Joe Girardi agreed with Jeter’s stance, saying he “would never insult Jeter by asking him to come to the plate in a non-clutch situation.”