Impending Apocalypse Putting Pressure On Teams To Win Now 2/10/09
CHICAGO--With less than a decade remaining before the complete collapse of civilization and the end of life as we know it, many historically inept franchises are under pressure to win now, lest they be reduced to smoldering ashes having never won the big one.
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FBI Reveals Chilling Plot To Bring Down ESPN’s Fantasy Football Site 10/7/09
NEW YORK--The FBI today revealed a chilling plot by Al Qaeda to bring
down ESPN’s fantasy football site. Officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the plot was “very far along” and had the potential to disrupt fantasy football activity for up to 3 million users.
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Chicago Lawmakers Go Back To Not Caring About Crime Rate 10/7/09
CHICAGO--In the wake of the stunning rejection of their bid to host the
2016 Olympics, Chicago lawmakers have abandoned efforts to clean up the
city and are now going back to not caring about the crime rate.
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New Gatorade Flavor Will Kill You If You Make Excuses 10/5/09
CHICAGO--The Gatorade Co. has introduced several new flavors to their extensive roster in recent weeks, but none more controversial than the one rolled out October 1 in stores everywhere.
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Player Who Plays With Reckless Abandon Carted Off Field Again 10/14/09
STILLWATER, OK--Oklahoma State safety Ron Brackett, known for his tendency to play with reckless abandon, was carted off the field on Saturday for the third season in a row. Brackett reportedly has a neck injury and will miss the rest of the year. |
Box of Nails Wins World Series of Poker 11/12/09
LAS VEGAS--Another World Series of Poker is in the books and another unexpected contested has come from nowhere to take the title. This year, it’s a box of nails, which took an $8.5 million purse from the runner up, seven-time winner Phil Ivey.
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Tiger Woods To Wife: ‘Please Respect My Privacy in This Matter’ 12/2/09
THOUSAND OAKS, CA--Amidst of a flurry of embarrassing revelations about his alleged extra-marital affairs, golfer Tiger Woods went public today with a desperate plea for privacy. The plea, in the form of a written statement posted on his website, was addressed to his wife, Elin Nordegren.
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World Cup Draw Made Momentarily Interesting by Bomb Threat 12/4/09
CAPE TOWN, South Africa--Friday afternoon’s World Cup Draw thingie was made momentarily interesting by a bomb threat that called in prior to the event. The threat turned out to be a hoax, however, and millions of Americans went back to not caring about whatever it was they were doing at that event.
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