The Brushback In Brief

Lance Armstrong Thinks He’s Such A Hot Shit For Overcoming Cancer
DENVER, CO--According to several sources, Lance Armstrong, 5 time Tour de France winner, thinks he’s such a hot shit just because he overcame cancer. The 35-year old Armstrong constantly mentions his “battle” with cancer in conversations with friends, family members, and new girlfriend Sheryl Crow. “I used to really admire Lance for the way he got through cancer to win the Tour de France,” said Crow. “But that was before I started dating him. Now every time we have a conversation it’s ‘Cancer this’ and ‘Cancer that.’ Big deal. I overcame bronchitis to sing at Woodstock, but you don’t hear me rubbing everyone’s nose in it.” Armstrong was shocked to hear Crow accuse him of being arrogant. He claims that he only mentions his cancer scare when he’s trying to inspire lesser people to overcome their own puny obstacles. “I thought people appreciated my awesome story about triumph of the human spirit,” said Armstrong. “I’m not trying to be arrogant. I’m just trying to inspire people to be as excellent as I am. Like when Sheryl is whining about a goddamn hangnail or something, I’ll say ‘Hey, I overcame cancer. You can get through this. Just have faith and be strong.’ And this is the thanks I get? Well screw her. I always liked Alanis Morisette better anyway.”

Emmitt Smith Mentors Young Players On How To Pointlessly Prolong Career
PHOENIX, AZ--Emmitt Smith has had a long and storied career. Now that it’s winding to a close, the future Hall of Famer spends his days mentoring younger players on how to pointlessly prolong their own long-dead careers.
“Someday, you will all be washed up like me,” Smith told a group of attentive rookies at the end of mini-camp. “Your longtime team will cut you loose, and you’ll have to save face by going to a more pathetic team desperate for some star power to generate fan interest. It’s important to go to that team immediately. Even if you know you’re not starting, pretend like you think you’re going to start, and then when the coach tells you you’re a backup, tell them it’s no problem and you just want to do what’s best for the team. This will make you look like a great guy and further cement your reputation as a ‘class act.’”
Smith added that another way of displaying your unselfish, team-first attitude is to pretend to mentor the young player who is starting ahead of you. This works out well for both sides, as the young player will happily pretend to listen to you in order to prove his own selfless attitude.

Batter Who Just Struck Unable To Break Bat Over Knee
ANAHEIM, CA--In a rather embarrassing moment, David Eckstein, 2nd basemen for the Anaheim Angels, was unable to break his bat over his knee after striking out against the Mariners Jamie Moyer. The incident occurred during the eighth inning of a tie game. Eckstein came to the plate with the bases loaded, but was unable to make contact as Moyer struck him out on a soft breaking ball. Eckstein then lifted his bat over his head with both hands and brought it down on his knee. Unfortunately, the bat remained in one piece, even though Eckstein’s suffered a nasty bruise. “Man, that hurt. And it was embarrassing, too,” Eckstein told reporters after the game. “I knew I shouldn’t have tried it. Now I have this horrible bruise on my knee and I might have to go on the DL. Oh well. Maybe it’s time for me to start taking steroids.”

Magazine Article On Lebron James Sheds Light On Reclusive Superstar
CLEVELAND, OH--A recent article in ESPN the Magazine about NBA player Lebron James helped shed light on the reclusive superstar. The article, titled, “The King and I” hit newsstands last week and pulled back the curtain on one of the most mysterious and elusive athletes of our time. “The Lebron piece was a labor of love, something I’ve been chasing after for years,” said Steve Wulf, author of the article. “It’s almost impossible to penetrate the cloak of secrecy surrounding the guy, but my persistence paid off. Now the world finally has some insight into what makes this guy tick. I just can’t believe he let us take a picture of him. That’s the Holy Grail of photography, right there.” Several facts about James were revealed in the article, including that he went to Akron St. Vincent-St. Mary High School, was raised by a single mom, and likes SUV’s.

Athlete Lauded For Performing Mandatory Charity Work
ORLANDO, FL--Professional athlete Shaquille O’Neil was lauded yesterday for his work with the Boys and Girls Club or Orlando. The NBA star is contractually obligated to perform at least 100 hours of charity work per year, and has fulfilled that obligation each year since joining the Los Angeles Lakers. “Shaq is the epitome of a selfless, generous athlete who would rather help others than think about himself,” said Roger Melvin, President of Boys and Girls Clubs of America. “It is my honor to present him with this award for his outstanding, contractually-obligated contributions to the lives of these young children. Thank you, Shaq.”
Shaq accepted the award graciously, waved to the cameras, and asked if he could leave now.

Police To Preemptively Blow Up Athens In Anticipation Of Olympics
ATHENS, GREECE--Greek police have announced plans to preemptively blow up the city of Athens in anticipation of the summer Olympic games. The move will help thwart any current terrorist plots against the city and disrupt any local terror cells that may have been active.
“This is a sad but necessary action that we must take in order to keep one step ahead of those who seek to do us harm,” said Greek police chief Fotis Nassiakos. “Hopefully, by blowing up Athens, we will eliminate any and all targets that the terrorists were plotting against.”
As of yesterday, the Acropolis tower and Parliament Building were leveled by explosives. In the coming week, the Theatre of Dionysos, Temple of Olympian Zeus, and the Astor hotel will be preemptively destroyed.

Job-Hunting Ryan Leaf Omits Chargers Stint From Resume
OLYMPIA, WA--Ex-Chargers quarterback Ryan Leaf has chosen to omit his brief stint with the Chargers from his resume. The job-hunting Leaf feels that the omission will give him a better chance at landing a good position. “I have no regrets about my time with the Bolts, but I just don’t think it’s necessary to include that in my resume,” said Leaf. “It was only a couple years, anyway. Plus, if I include it in the resume I run the risk of having them call the Chargers for a reference. I know that wouldn’t be pretty. I had a few misunderstandings with boss, in case you don’t recall.” Leaf, who was released by the Chargers in 2001, said the experience playing football was unique and fulfilling. However, he would much rather pursue his true calling as a file clerk at an Olympia-area insurance company.

Dominican Republic Renamed ‘Southern Regional MLB Farm System’
SANTO DOMINGO, DR--The Dominican Republic, a populous Caribbean island, has officially been renamed the ‘Southern Regional MLB Farm System’ by Major League Baseball. The league, in conjunction with the Dominican government, felt the change was appropriate considering the strong connection between the island and Major League Baseball. Henceforth, the name ‘Dominican Republic’ will be removed from all government buildings, currency, and stamps, and the nation’s flag will be redesigned to feature the MLB logo. The league will have full authority over all male residents of the island and will be free to transport them back and forth to the majors at will.
“This change is merely a formality,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “We pretty much run the country as it is, and now it’s official. Don’t worry about unrest or anything. These Dominicans are a docile bunch, not like those goddamn Arabs.”

Nobody Notices Bullpen Coach Hasn’t Shown Up For Three Weeks
SAN DIEGO--Freddy Rojas, bullpen coach for the San Diego Padres, hasn’t shown up for work in three weeks. Thankfully, the team has been able to carry on without him, as nobody has noticed his absence. “Freddy’s been gone? Really?” asked manager Bruce Boche. “I thought I saw him the other day. No, actually, that was my bench coach. Or was it my first base coach? I can’t keep track of all these guys. Anyway, if you see him, tell him to take his time coming back. It’s not like anyone is going to miss him.”
In Rojas’ absence, the team has been forced to find someone else to stand around and watch the pitchers warm up.

Rasheed Wallace Stomps Puppy To Death Just For Fun
DETROIT--NBA bad boy Rasheed Wallace stomped a puppy to death yesterday, just for fun. The Pistons forward, known for his abrasive personality and short temper, snatched the adorable puppy from a young child and jumped up and down on it until it ceased moving. He then casually tossed it in a nearby trash can, leaving the youngster crying hysterically. “Every once in a while I like to do something like that, just for the hell of it,” said Wallace. “It’s just the kind of guy I am. I get bored and I think up cruel things to do to people and animals. Then I sit back, rub my hands together, and laugh my diabolical laugh. I’m such a prick.” Wallace also announced plans to push an elderly woman down a flight of stairs and taunt the crippled kids at the hospital.

Last Remaining Non-Extreme Juice Drink Removed From Store Shelves
MT VERNON, NY--Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice Cocktail, the last remaining non-extreme juice drink in the nation, was removed from store shelves yesterday. The removal brought an end to an era of mild-mannered, unassuming drinks that were in nobody’s face and had no attitude. The last bottle was removed from a 7-11 at the corner of 5th and Walnut in Mt. Vernon, NY, by store manager Sanjay Mehta. “I will miss this cute little drink,” said Mehta in his thick Indian accent. “It is a sad day, but the cruel hand of time has rendered Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice Cocktail obsolete. In its place I will be stocking several bottles of Gatorade Riptide Rush Mountain Blast X-treme Body Fluid. They say that if you drink too many bottles your head will explode, spraying blood and brain matter on the walls of your home. But it is a small price to pay to attain such large amounts of extreme-ness.”

Announcer Acting Like Reggie Miller Just Cured Cancer Or Something
INDIANAPOLIS, IN--Marv Albert, ESPN basketball analyst, acted like the Pacers’ Reggie Miller just cured cancer or something after Miller sunk the game winning 3-point shot in Saturday’s playoff game against the Detroit Pistons. “YES! Reggie Miller has done it again!” exclaimed Albert, apparently unaware that he was watching a basketball game, and not the discovery of some miracle vaccine that would eliminate all disease. “The amazing, spectacular one has stepped up once again done the impossible! How does he do it?” Albert’s broadcast partner, Doug Collins, likened Miller to Jesus Christ himself, who cured the lepers, made the blind see, and resurrected the dead to life everlasting.