The Brushback In Brief

Eric Lindros’ Post-Concussion Syndrome Alleviated By New Concussion
NEW YORK--The New York Rangers’ Eric Lindros had mixed emotions yesterday when his lingering post-concussion syndrome was cured by the onset of a brand new concussion. The latest injury occurred when Lindros was struck with a stray puck during practice. Now, after a week of suffering through the dizziness and fatigue of post-concussion syndrome, Lindros is back to experiencing the nausea, migraine headaches, and vertigo of an actual concussion. “This has been a tough week,” said Lindros. “It’s nice to be over that nasty post concussion syndrome, but now I’ve got this new concussion, which is pretty excruciating. Plus, I have another round of post concussion syndrome to look forward to afterward. All of which leads me to believe I should never leave the house again.”

Tom Brady Announces Plans To Remain Celibate Through Lunch
QUINCY, MA--Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady announced plans to remain celibate through lunchtime today. The New England QB indicated he was tired and wished to spend the morning resting and watching cartoons. At around noon he’ll each lunch, after which he’ll resume fornicating. It is believed to be his longest stretch of celibacy since early November. “Sex isn’t everything, you know. I don’t have to be constantly getting laid to enjoy life,” Brady told reporters yesterday. “People think all I do is have sex, but today I’m going to hold out for the entire morning. I’ll probably have to masturbate four or five times to tide me over until the afternoon. But whatever. I can handle it. I’m certainly not someone who needs to be getting laid every minute. Besides, it’s Lent, a time of sacrifice.”

Clippers Cheerleaders Now Just Quietly Weeping
LOS ANGELES--The LA Clippers cheerleading squad, beaten down by years of defeat and heartache, have gone from cheering wildly to silently weeping during the team’s home games. Despite numerous pleas from management, the group cannot seem to muster the enthusiasm to wave pom poms and chant slogans. “Oh, who cares anyway? It’s not like anyone even comes to the games,” said a crying Tatia Williams, Clippers cheerleader since 1998. “It used to be fun, but now it’s like ‘What’s the point?’” Renee Mace, 31, has been with the team for ten years, but she may have finally reached the end of her rope. “I can’t take it anymore. I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. I can’t plaster this stupid fake smile on my face like everything is all hunky dory. Maybe the Lakers have an opening. Hell, I’d settle for the Golden State Warriors at this point.” Team management initially hired grief counselors to help the girls deal with their pain and inner turmoil, but the plan had to be scrapped when one of the counselors committed suicide.

Daniel Synder On The Lookout For More Expensive Tight End
WASHINGTON, DC--Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced today that he is currently searching for a more expensive tight end to round out his offensive roster. The ‘Skins current tight end, Byron Chamberlain, is earning the paltry sum of $1.5M next year, and Snyder is determined to upgrade the position to a higher tax bracket. “We had a few holes to fill this offseason, and we’re pretty happy with what we did,” said Snyder. “We’ve upgraded our defensive unit with some very expensive additions which really helped beef up the payroll. But we’re not satisfied yet. Our tight end is quite good, but is paid an average to below average wage. What we’re looking for is someone who’s not quite as good, but makes a lot more money.” Some fans wondered if the team can afford another overpaid player, but Snyder reassured them, noting that ticket prices will be doubled next season.

Fox Announces New Reality Show Guess Which Major Leaguer Is Gay
HOLLYWOOD, CA--Producers at the Fox network have announced their latest venture into reality television: Guess Which Major Leaguer is Gay. The show is the brainchild of Kirstin Catrell, who also produced Playing it Straight, the show where a woman must guess which of her male suitors is gay. The new show will target the much of same audience as Playing it Straight, but will also appeal to sports fans with its baseball angle. “People all over America are just dying to find our which baseball players are gay,” said Catrell. “With this new show, we’re going to make a game out of it. A female contestant will be introduced to dozens of seemingly normal baseball players, but with one twist: Three of them are homosexuals. Viewers can also chime in on their Sprint PCS digital phones. Who will it be? Will it be Barry Bonds? Jason Giambi? A-Rod? Nomar? Tune in and find out. I think the results will surprise you.” To the surprise of many, Major League Baseball has given the show its blessing. Commissioner Bud Selig indicated that the league would do just about anything to draw attention away from the current steroid scandal. “I’d rather have people talking about gay baseball players than baseball players juiced up on steroids,” said Selig. “You don’t have to give someone a urine test to determine if they’re gay, so the Union can’t really protest too much.”

Josh Beckett Begins House-Hunting In New York
MIAMI, FL--Josh Beckett, World Series MVP, has begun house hunting in the New York area in anticipation of his inevitable move to the Yankees next season. The righty, who was given a pay cut by the Florida Marlins, said he understands that baseball is a business, and will use the 2004 season as an lengthy audition for the New York Yankees. “No hard feelings towards the Marlins, but I’ve got to do what’s best for my career,” Beckett told reporters Sunday after a preseason game. “I’ve already spoken to Mr. Cashman and Mr. Steinbrenner and they’ve indicated that they already have my uniform, locker, and parking space ready to go. It’s basically a done deal, as long as I don’t get hurt or have a lousy season.” The Yankees would not comment on Beckett’s allegations, but sources say the two sides are already working on a long-term deal to get the young pitcher in pinstripes. Upon hearing the report, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein immediately phoned Beckett to make a counter-offer, but Beckett refused. “I have my integrity,” he said. “It wouldn’t be right for me to flirt with another team while a richer, more successful team was trying to sign me.”

Worst Hitter Ever Wins Arbitration Case
HOUSTON, TX--Larry Dierkman, utility infielder for the Houston Astros and one of the worst, most horrible hitters in human history, won his arbitration case yesterday. The victory netted him a one million-dollar raise over last year’s salary. “I’m glad it worked out for me,” Dierkman told reporters after hearing the news yesterday. “It’s funny, though. I really didn’t do anything to deserve a raise. I hit .130 and made 12 errors, in like, 50 games. I was such a waste of space. But this arbitration shit is a great scam. What the hell do the judges care? It’s not their money.” GM Gerry Hunsicker, who adamantly opposed the pay increase, took the arbitrator’s decision with a grain of salt. “What can you do? Baseball players are generally overpaid, even the terrible, horrible ones,” said Hunsicker. “Granted, a million bucks is a drop in the bucket for us, but it’s the principal of the thing. The guy wouldn’t even be here if he wasn’t Roger Clemens’ cousin.”

Barry Bonds Swears Large Syringe Is For Heroin, Not Steroids
SAN FRANCISCO, CA--Barry Bonds assured reporters that the large syringe he was holding was for heroin, not steroids. The Giants slugger was seen injecting the needle into his arm after yesterday’s spring training game against the Phillies, drawing gasps from those present. But he quickly pointed out that a steroid needle would go into the meaty part of the thigh, not the forearm. “Oh, I can see where you’d get the impression that it’s steroids,” Bonds said. “It’s a common mistake. But I can assure I have never, and will never put performance-enhancing drugs into my body. I have more integrity than that. This needle is for heroin.” Teammates breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing the explanation. “Whew, I thought he was doing steroids, I really did,” said infielder Edgardo Alfonzo. “With all that’s been said in the media, that would’ve been a P.R. nightmare. Thank the Lord it was only heroin.”

Phish Performs Mind-Bending, 37-Minute Version Of National Anthem Before Basketball Game
BURLINGTON, VT--The popular jamband Phish performed an epic, mind-bending version of the Star Spangled Banner before a sold out crowd at Saturday’s University of Vermont basketball game. The performance began with an ambient, spacey intro, which morphed into the opening lyrics. The first part of the song was sung in a straightforward manner but was followed by a genre-hopping, 20-minute, improvisational odyssey that included bits of jazz, blues, funk, and calypso. The rest of the lyrics were sung over a multi-layered tapestry of sound effects and swishing cymbals, culminating in a rousing finish complete with a dramatic, drawn-out ending. The crowd was appreciative, but the delay caused players to tighten up, resulting in a groin injury to star center Taylor Coppenrath.

All Black College Inexplicably Has Bad Basketball Team
ATLANTA--Howard University, a large, predominantly African-American college, inexplicably has a bad basketball team. The Howard University Bisons have wallowed in anonymity for years, unable to compete with other high profile Division 1 teams, even though their student body consists almost entirely of black people. “When I heard we were playing Howard University, I thought ‘Uh-oh, that’s the all-black school,’” said Dan Giminski, center for Norfolk State University, which played the Bisons earlier this month. “But they turned out to be really bad for some reason. I was surprised. I just figured with all those black people to choose from, they could put together a pretty good team. I was wrong. That just goes to show you how meaningless those racial stereotypes are.” Other black universities, such as Tuskeegee University, Morris College, and Dillard University are helping to shatter ignorant stereotypes by boasting similarly inept basketball teams.

Announcer Gets Excited As 16 Seed Jumps Out To 2-0 Lead
NEW YORK--CBS college basketball announcer Tim Brando grew excited as 16 seed Florida A & M jumped out to a 2-0 lead over the powerhouse Kentucky Wildcats. The spunky Rattlers came out swinging as guard Terrence Woods nailed a mid-range jumper to break the scoreless tie. Brando was shocked by the ease with which Florida was able to score against the defense-minded Wildcats. “It’s good! And Terrence Woods has put Florida A & M two points ahead of the mighty Wildcats!” exclaimed Brando. “What a shot!” “This does not bode well for Kentucky,” said Brando’s partner, Mike Gminski. “This is exactly what they wanted to avoid in this game. They did not want the senior guard to beat them.” Fortunately for the Wildcats, they were able to pull themselves together and come away with twenty-point victory.

Knights Roy Hobbs Named In Steroid Scandal
NEW YORK--Beloved New York Knights slugger Roy Hobbs has been implicated in a steroid scandal by writer Max Mercy. The golden haired American hero has reportedly been injecting some sort of performance-enhancing elixir into his body for the past two seasons, rendering all his records in doubt. Around the nation, sad-eyed young boys voiced their dismay at the bad news. “Aw, say it aint so, Roy! Say it’s all a lie!” said young ragamuffin Danny O’Toole. “It’s just that rotten old Max Mercy tryin to pull one over on us, ain’t it?” Unfortunately, the raffish young scamp would be heartbroken to learn that it’s not a lie, after all. “It’s true, kiddo,” said Hobbs, playfully messing up the boy’s hair. “I’ve been injecting Tetrahydogestrinone into the meaty part of my thigh since I came up to the bigs, on account of me being 35 and my muscles just don’t heal like they used to. It shouldn’t be too much of a surprise, though. How the fuck do you think I hit 137 home runs last year?”

US Hoping Al Qaeda Doesn’t Find Out About Olympics
WASHINGTON, DC--Due to global instability and lingering security concerns, the United States is hoping that the Al Qaeda terrorist network does not get wind of the upcoming Olympics in Athens. The administration has issued a warning to its allies to keep a stiff upper lip with regards to the games. “We’d like to remind our friends and allies not to tell anyone from Al Qaeda about the Olympics,” Attorney General John Ashcroft told reporters at a press conference today. “If we can keep the lid on this thing, we’ll have a better chance of preventing an attack. Those people are everywhere, and if they find out about this thing, we could all be in some serious trouble. Remember, loose lips sink ships. And yes, I’m talking to you, Belgium.”

Shareef Abdur-Rahim Calls For Jihad Against Seattle Supersonics
PORTLAND, OR--Shareef Abdur-Rahim, forward for the Portland Trail Blazers and devout Muslim, called for jihad against division rival Seattle Supersonics yesterday. The two teams are neck and neck in the race for third place in the Pacific division, and Abdur-Rahim exhorted his teammates to “fight to the death” to secure a playoff spot. “The Seattle Supersonics are enemies of Allah, and death is coming to them soon. Oh, Portland Trail Blazers fans, good news is coming to you. Our jihad against the evil, corrupt band of gangsters led by the biggest infidel of them all, Nate McMillan, will strike a decisive blow for Allah and the Blazers, God willing.” Teammates took the declaration with a grain of salt, passing it off as just another emotional moment for Abdur-Rahim. “He does get a little emotional sometimes,” said guard Damon Stoudamire. “That’s just the fiery competitor that he is. He really wants to win at any costs, even death. But what would you expect? The guy’s a Muslim. Those people are born with bombs strapped to their midsections.”

Fantasy Baseball Buff Also A Celibacy Buff
OAK PARK, IL--Greg Bollinger, a fantasy baseball buff from Oak Park, IL, is also a celibacy buff. The 33-year-old accountant spends an average of 25 hours a week on his hobby, leaving little time for a social life. Bollinger is working on a streak of four consecutive years without getting laid, and all signs point to a fifth year in 2004. “Greg is more into fantasy baseball than girls,” said longtime friend Dale Paccia, 30. “I mean it’s probably for the best, since girls have never really taken an interest in him anyway, but you’d think he would at least make an effort. How long can someone go without getting laid, or even wanting to get laid?”
When reached for comment, Bollinger insisted that a fantasy baseball buff like himself doesn’t have time for girls.
“I belong to four different leagues, and I’m looking into that Sportingnews.com league, too, so that would make five,” Bollinger said. “So it’s not like I’m sitting around doing nothing with my life. I’m probably one of the top fantasy baseball experts in the nation, and what girl wouldn’t be impressed with that?”