The Brushback In Brief

Al Qaeda Purchases Naming Rights To New Chicago Stadium
CHICAGO-The Bear’s organization has sold the naming rights to Chicago’s new stadium to the terrorist group Al Qaeda, sources reported. The group was the highest bidder in a field that included Bank of America and Blockbuster Video. The asking price was reported to be in the 100 million-dollar range. “We just thought it would be a good partnership,” said Bears president Ted Phillips. “They’re a great organization top to bottom. Plus, they’re very active in the community.” The name of the stadium will be changed from Soldier Field to Mujadeen Field, in honor of the Mujadeen who fought against the infidel forces in Afghanistan. Also, Bears football games will officially be referred to as “Bears football presented by Al Qaeda.”

Dick Vermeil Not Quite Sure What He Was Just Crying About
KANSAS CITY, MO-Dick Vermeil, coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, broke down and cried after Sunday’s game against the Baltimore Ravens. The emotional Vermeil, known for his tearful outbursts, reportedly forgot exactly why he started crying in the first place. “Well, we played a helluva game today,” Vermeil began. “We were able to run the ball, and that set up the pass. You gotta give credit to the offensive line, as well as the defensive line. I tell ya, these guys….these guys….I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional. It’s just that…I just…um…I…Wait a minute. What was I crying about? I started off talking about running the ball, right? Then I went into that thing about the offensive line. Then…I don’t know, I really don’t. Anyway, it was a good win for us.”

Inebriated Friend Making Better Points Than Tim McCarver
OVERLAND PARK, KS-Tom Gunderson of Overland Park, KS, claims that his inebriated friend Gary Pratt was actually making more interesting points than Fox color commentator Tim McCarver during game 3 of the A’s- Red Sox series. “It was that play where Tejada got tagged out after the ump called Bill Mueller for interference. McCarver was acting all outraged that the ump didn’t give Tejada home plate. So Gary says ‘Hey, if Tejada had been running full speed, we wouldn’t even be talking about this right now.’ I thought, ‘You know, he’s right.’” Gunderson also reported that, midway through the game, he resorted to utilizing the SAP button to avoid hearing more of McCarver’s inane observations.

Islamic Fundamentalists Denounce Volleyball For Some Reason
TIKRIT, IRAQ-Islamic Fundamentalists took the streets of Iraq today to demonstrate against the game of volleyball for some reason. Thousands of Muslims marched through Tikrit chanting “No to volleyball! Yes to Allah!” and holding signs featuring volleyballs adorned with tiny devil horns. “I’m not sure why they’re protesting,” said Sgt Lance Fredrickson, of the 5th Infantry. “The other day, a few of the guys were playing volleyball. It must’ve upset them for some reason.” The crowd was large but peaceful, and forbade all Muslims from engaging in the American game. According to Sgt. Fredrickson, this isn’t the first time the people of Tikrit have protested. “These people protest every other day. I think they just protest for the sake of protesting. Last week they protested non-dairy creamer. And the week before that it was John Tesh. I dunno. You figure it out.”

Bill Parcells Throws Touchdown Pass To Bill Parcells; Bill Parcells Kicks Extra Point
DALLAS, TX-During Sunday’s win against the Philadelphia Eagles, Bill Parcells threw a deep touchdown pass into the arms of Bill Parcells. The score tied the contest late in the game and Bill Parcells kicked the extra point to give them the lead. Parcells’ performance was praised by owner Jerry jones. “You can’t exaggerate the effect that Bill Parcells has had on this team. From the offense to the defense to the special teams, Parcells’ stamp is all over this franchise.”

FOX Mega Slow Mo Replay Reveals David Wells Is Fat
BOSTON, MA-During FOX’s broadcast of Game 5 of the Red Sox-Yankees game, the FOX state of the art Mega Slow Mo Instant Replay revealed that Yankees pitcher David Wells is indeed fat. The slow motion camera focused on Wells as he made his delivery, and several rolls of fat were visible rippling on the leftie’s upper arm. “My God, I had no idea how fat he was!” exclaimed Fox’s Tim McCarver. “Look at those ripples!” It was also noted during the replay that Wells has an incredibly fat ass. “Well, folks, there’s no doubt about it,” said Joe Brenneman. “Thanks to our Fox Mega Slow Mo Replay we can now conclusively say that David Wells is overweight.”

Arizona Cardinals Ticket Scalper Willing To Negotiate
PHOENIX, AZ-Rodney Gruniger, Arizona Cardinals ticket scalper, is reportedly willing to negotiate the price for that ticket, if you want to. According to Gruniger, 35 dollars is just the asking price and if you want to go lower he’ll listen. “Hey, buddy, I’m a reasonable man,” he says. “I can go down a little if you want. You look like you have a trusting face. What’s it gonna be? 30? 25?” Gruniger would also like to point out that he has package deals, and can give you a handful of tickets at a discounted rate because he likes you and you seem like a nice guy.

Kobe Bryant Defense Team Attempting To Disparage Crazy Slut Accuser
DENVER, CO-According to a report by the Associated Press, the Kobe Bryant defense team has launched a smear campaign in an attempt to disparage the crazy slut who accused Bryant of rape. Pamela Mackey, Bryant’s attorney, insists that the insane whore is just a shameless gold-digger. “She’s lying,” said Mackey. “She’s nuts. Look at her history. She’s fucked, your honor.” The liar’s attorney vehemently denied the charges, accusing the defense of attempting to discredit her client in a vicious, cruel way. Mackey rebutted that if the accuser wasn’t such a no-good, delusional whorebag, they wouldn’t even be in this situation.