The Brushback In Brief

Field Of Dreams Special Edition DVD Features Alternate ‘Gang Rape’ Ending
HOLLYWOOD, CA-The special edition director’s cut of the popular film Field of Dreams contains several bonus features, including an alternate ending that depicts a brutal gang rape. The scene, which involves Ray Kinsella’s wife and a group of men from the bank, was originally included by director Phil Alden Robinson, but discarded after producers determined it did not fit the spirit of the movie. “Hey, don’t blame me. I wanted to keep it in there,” said Robinson. “I thought it stayed true to the movie, but the studio wanted a more ‘Hollywood’ ending, so it ended up on the cutting room floor. That’s why I love this director’s cut. For the first time, America gets to see my original vision for the movie.” He added that another deleted scene featured a shooting spree by the Kevin Costner character, but the producers felt it was a little too “edgy” for the target audience.

Athletic 7-Foot Tall Black Man Considering Career In Dentistry
SAN MATEO, CA- Rashard Banks, an athletic, 7-foot tall black man, is considering a career in dentistry, sources reported. Banks is currently attending El Camino State College and hopes to attend dental school after he graduates. “I’ve always been interested in the field of dentistry,” said Banks, who lists his hobbies as stamp collecting, old movies, and bowling. “Ever since I was kid, people have been saying I’m born to do it. They take one look at me and say ‘Dentist.’ So I guess it’s my destiny to become one.” Banks, who has a 40-inch vertical leap and great quickness, says there aren’t a many career opportunities for someone like him. “Look at me. I’m not your typical college kid. If it wasn’t for dentistry, I don’t know what I’d do – maybe be a plumber or something. Then again, someone my size would have a lot of trouble getting under a sink.”

Mouth Stapling Surgery Seen As Effective Alternative To Stomach Stapling Surgery
BETHESDA, MD-Experts from the National Health Organization are touting mouth-stapling surgery as an effective alternative to stomach stapling surgery. With so many risks associated with the stomach operation, doctors are now trying to steer patients towards the newer, safer procedure. “Stomach stapling surgery is extremely dangerous. It has unpredictable side effects and some people have even died from it,” said Dr. Jan Mathewson, chairman of the NHO. “But this new mouth stapling procedure is much safer, and has the same basic effect as stomach stapling. See, if people’s mouths are stapled shut they can’t eat, which means they’ll lose weight. It’s the same basic premise as stomach stapling, but we’re eliminating caloric intake right at its source: the mouth.”

College Hoops Player Nails Game Winning 3-Pointer, Your Daughter
MIAMI, FL-University of Miami point guard Damon Wallace was a hero Monday night after hitting the game winning 3-pointer against division rival Boston College. The tattooed, dreadlocked ex-con calmly sank the buzzer beater as the crowd went wild, then celebrated the victory by nailing your daughter at a frat party. Your daughter was reportedly “hammered” after nine Zimas, and threw herself at Wallace like the shameless slut that she is. “Man, I was just chillin, smokin a blunt at some frat party and this bitch comes and starts hangin all over me, tellin me how great I am,” said Wallace. “She was fucking trashed, man. It was that same bitch who was makin out with some chick earlier in the night, so I recognized her. I thought ‘Hey, why not just nail her?’ And so I did. College girls sure are easy.” Your daughter was also seen lifting up her shirt up and exposing her breasts for the College Girls Gone Wild cameraman, who attended the party. The DVD should be available on the internet as early as next month.

Coors Lite Under Fire For ‘Here’s To Date Rape’ Ad
GOLDEN, CO-The Coors Lite brewing company is under fire from women’s groups over a new ad campaign that appears to glorify violence against women. The new ad campaign, ‘Here’s to Date Rape’, shows a group of men heading to a bar for “guys night out”, drinking dozens of Coors Lites, picking up a waitress, plying her with beer, then violating her as she lay unconscious. The ad is set to the same lite-metal music as the ‘Here’s to Football’ ads, with the last sentence changed to ‘Here’s to Date Rape!’ “This is completely unacceptable,” said Lydia Montcliffe, director of the National Organization of Women. “We’re used to Coors Lite, and beer commercials in general, implying violence against women, but this outright depiction of it goes to far. They’re not getting away with this one.” Coors Lite spokesman Will Cirano had this to say: “This ad in no way glorifies date rape. We are simply reiterating the theme from our previous ads. Beer, heavy metal, football, and bitches go hand in hand. Sometimes ‘guys night out’ can get a little out of hand as we all know, and this commercial is an honest depiction of that. You know, boys will be boys.” Cirano also pointed out that the ad ended with the responsible slogan “Think before you drink.”

Jaguars Thrilled To Get Roy Williams In Mock Draft
JACKSONVILLE, FL-The Jacksonville Jaguars were reportedly “thrilled” to get University of Texas wide receiver Roy Williams with the seventh pick in Mel Kiper’s first annual mock draft. Coaches and front office execs celebrated wildly when they heard the news on Sunday. “Yea! That’s the guy we really wanted,” said Coach Jack Del Rio. “He’s gonna be great for Byron. That’ll give him a nice big strong target. We were pretty nervous, though. We though Mel might give him to Atlanta, but he didn’t.” Atlanta was rewarded defensemen Vince Wilfork, leaving Williams there for the taking. “Mel does a great job every year with these mock drafts,” said Del Rio. “We appreciate him giving us a player of Roy’s caliber. I’d call him and personally thank him, but those mock drafts are nothing but a bunch of meaningless bullshit. Still, he is a great player.”

Playmakers Commercials To Continue Despite Series Cancellation
BRISTOL, CT-Fans of Playmakers commercials breathed a sigh of relief yesterday when ESPN announced that the commercials would go on even though the series itself was cancelled. “We’ve had a lot of people call and ask us if we can keep the ads going,” said ESPN President George Bodenheimer. “You know, those cool ads with the heavy metal soundtrack and intense voice-over narration. People love those. So we’re proud to announce that they will continue at their normal frequency, 138 times an hour.” When the controversial series was cancelled, it left a huge advertising gap for ESPN. Playmakers commercials accounted for a staggering 36 hours of programming time per week. There are simply not enough sponsors on earth to fill up that much time. “We didn’t realize how much time those commercials took up,” said Bodenheimer. “We couldn’t find enough sponsors to take up all those slots - and we’re ESPN, the biggest corporate whores on the planet. So we had no choice really, but to continue running those fast-paced, high energy commercials. America has really lucked out.”