WARWICK , RI --According to family members, 4-year-old Amanda Christie was terrified of the new Nike commercial, which features various professional athletes posing in grotesque, frightening masks. The child cried hysterically when she viewed the spot and has been having nightmares ever since. Her father, Ralph Christie, had some choice words for Nike’s marketing department. “What were they thinking? That commercial is awful,” said Christie. “What’s up with that barbed wire cage around Brian Urlacher’s head? Is that some kind of freaky, S & M thing? How about that mask that Mariano Rivera was wearing? It even gave me the creeps. Amanda, the poor thing, is scarred for life. She thinks Nike is in league with Satan. She doesn’t know how right she is.”
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COLUMBUS , OH --Local stoner Doug Rothstein, 32, said he was too tired yesterday to play a game of Madden 2005, marking the first time in history that a person was too lethargic to sit on a reclining chair and move their thumbs around. Rothstein’s roomate, Kyle Sutton, called the incident “a new low.” “This is pretty bad, even for him,” said Sutton, 25. “I smoke pot myself, and I understand what it’s like to feel all sluggish and tired, but I’m always in the mood to play a little Madden, no matter what. I can’t imagine a stoned person being too tired to partake in an activity that is tailor made for stoned people who are too lazy to do anything. He’s setting a new standard for laziness. I think he’s about one more hit from slipping into a coma.”
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NEW YORK --Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran reiterated his desire to stay in Houston yesterday, and said that the ball was in owner Drayton McLane’s court. Beltran left the Astros this offseason when the Mets offered him a more lucrative deal, but still insists that he wants to work out a deal with them. “My time in Houston was the most enjoyable time of my career,” Beltran said. “I love the city and the people here really treated me well. The electricity in Minute Maid Park during the postseason was something I’ll never forget. I have always maintained that Houston is my first choice. Believe me, if it was my decision I would retire there. But it’s up to Tim [Purpura] and Drayton McLane. The ball’s in their court.”
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WORCESTER , MA -- Vermont ’s Taylor Coppenrath, Utah ’s Andrew Bogut, Duke’s JJ Redick, and Syracuse ’s Gerry McNamara have all been compared to hall of famer Larry Bird, despite vast differences in their playing styles. Observers cite Coppenrath’s post presence, Bogut’s versatility, Redick’s 3-point shooting ability, and McNamara’s court vision as qualities that invoke memories of Celtic great. “I don’t know if Coppenrath is going to be the next Larry Bird, but he could be poor man’s version,” said college hoops analyst Digger Phelphs. “Just the way he goes out there and plays, you know, that style that Larry played. Sure, there are many differences between him and Bird, but there is one glaring similarity: they’re both tall.” Phelps also noted that JJ Redick, like Bird, has the ability to make his teammates better and that Gerry McNamara has a similar hair color.
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NEW YORK —In a continued effort to appeal to casual baseball fans, the Fox network will feature a glowing pitcher’s mound in its major league baseball broadcasts this season. The mound will be bathed in a bright yellow light similar to the one used to identify the first down marker in Fox’s football broadcasts.
Producer Susan Brightman explains: “We’re looking to reach out to casual fans who have a hard time following the game. It can get mighty confusing sometimes so we’ve developed this system to make things easier. If you can’t find the pitcher’s mound, just look for the gigantic glowing orb in the center of the screen with the pitcher perched atop it. That’s the pitcher’s mound. If you still can’t find it there’s really not much more we can do for you.”
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Members of the community expressed shock and horror after an unarmed deer was shot in the back by a gunman in what was apparently a random attack. A group of campers at the Deer Creek state park in central Ohio witnessed the cowardly attack by a heavily armed man in bright orange clothing and called police immediately. “A couple of campers saw the whole thing and they were pretty shaken up about it,” said Sgt. Lance McCullough of the Ohio state police. “Apparently the deer in question was minding its own business when some crazed, bloodthirsty sniper shot it in the back from about 20 yards away. Then the sick bastard, not content to simply take the animal’s life, picked it up and carried it away. I can’t even begin to fathom what is being done to that deer carcass right now. If I ever catch the coward who did this, I’m going to shoot him in the back. See how he likes it.”
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CHATTANOOGA, TN--A women’s college basketball game between the LSU Tigers and the Liberty Lady Flames Saturday was upstaged by a halftime performance featuring an awesome dancing ape. The game, won by LSU 90-48, was no match for the ape, which used a springboard to perform dozens of dazzling slam dunks. “Oh my God! Did you see what that ape just did?” asked Beth Mowins, play-by-play announcer for the game. “He just jumped off that little springboard, did a flip, and dunked the ball right through the hoop! And check out those funny shorts he’s wearing. They have little basketballs on them! Ha Ha Ha. This is the most fun I’ve had all night. I hope this halftime never ends.” Unfortunately the halftime did end and Mowins was forced to stay for the next ten minutes of play before getting up and walking out.
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MIAMI--Kendall Martin, 34-year-old reserve center for the Miami Heat, is starting to regret the giant neck tattoo he got when he joined the league in 1990. The unsightly tattoo depicts the phrase “Warrior to the End” in traditional Chinese lettering, and crawls from the base of his neck to his left ear. “This tattoo is really starting to irritate me,” said Martin. “When I got it I just couldn’t believe that I might actually get sick of it. It seemed so cool at the time. I do still consider myself a warrior, but now I’m an older warrior who’s starting to get a little neck fat, and the tattoo is starting to resemble some sort of grotesque birthmark. Let this be a lesson to all you young players out there: Never get a tattoo if you plan on growing old.”
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AMHERST, MA--Local black guy Dale Laramie, 32, gave up trying to appreciate the movie Hoosiers yesterday after trying in vain for years. Though he tried his best, Laramie is at a loss to explain why so many white people hold the film in such high regard. “OK so a bunch of white kids win the state championship. So what?” asked Laramie. “I mean, it’s on OK movie, I guess, but the way white people talk about it, it’s right up there with Citizen Kane and The Godfather. I guess they just get a rush out of seeing white guys beat up on black guys in a basketball game.” For his next project, Laramie will attempt to figure out why everyone loves Rudy, the story of an annoying little turd on the Notre Dame football team who gets on the field for one stinking play and has everyone chant his name like he’s some kind of hero.
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