The Brushback In Brief

Republicans Try To Block Blacks From Voting In Sportsnation Opinion Poll
WASHINGTON, DC--Civil rights groups are complaining that the Republican Party is trying to block black voters from taking part in the latest Sportsnation opinion poll. Hundreds of blacks were apparently harassed, threatened and intimidated via email as they tried to cast their votes for Sunday’s top NFL performer. “Just as I was about to cast my vote, I received an IM (instant message) from someone named Karl Rove,” said Ronald Hart, 37, of Chula Vista, CA. “He said that if I had any outstanding warrants and tried to vote in this opinion poll, I would be arrested immediately and my children would be taken away from me. Talk about racist. I went and voted anyway, because I’m an American and I have a right to vote for my top NFL performer of the week without fear of reprisal.”

Kerry Vows To Make Commitment To Running Game
TALLAHASSEE, FL--Senator Kerry told a group of supporters at a Florida rally that he would make a “strong and unwavering commitment” to the nation’s running game. “As president, I will be resolute in my commitment to establishing the run,” he said to the cheering crowd. “I will never take my eye off the prize as we have seen from countless NFL teams this year, who have shifted to a pass wacky offense in a desperate attempt to score points. I don’t care if we’re getting 3 yards per carry, I understand that an effective running game isn’t always about yards gained, but about keeping the defense honest.” In the battleground state of Ohio, President Bush countered Kerry with his own promise to improve the nation’s special teams play.

Nobody Seems To Give A Shit That Sammy Sosa’s Feelings Are Hurt
CHICAGO--Much to the dismay of Sammy Sosa, nobody in the Chicago-area or the rest of the nation seems to give a shit that his feelings are hurt. Sosa mentioned several times during the season that he was hurt by his treatment on behalf of the Cubs, but his complaints fell on deaf ears. Last week he repeated his claims, hoping to get some kind of reaction from the fans or press, but still, nobody seemed to care. “The Cubs really treated me bad. Doesn’t anyone care?” Sosa asked. “Hello? I’m that fun-loving Dominican slugger who always has a smile on his face and loves children, remember? Everybody loves me, remember? Anyone? Anyone?”

Loser Says It’s Only A Game
Hal Incandenza, loser of a game of one on one against his friend and archival Tim Hatch, said later that it was only a game, even though he spent all week boasting that he was gonna “destroy” Hatch and send him home “crying to mommy.” “It’s only a game. No big deal. So you beat me in one on one. I’ve got a lot more important things to worry about than putting a ball through a hoop,” said Incandenza, who days earlier had dubbed the match “The Battle to End All Battles.” “I don’t know why you’re bragging about it so much. It’s just a stupid basketball game. It doesn’t mean shit.” Later, Incandenza challenged his rival to a rematch, which he said, would “finally determine the ultimate master of the hardcourt.”

Tom Brady Receives Yet Another Blow Job
Tom Brady, quarterback for the Super Bowl champion New England Patriots, received yet another blow job yesterday, this time from a female fan outside a St. Louis nightclub. The incident marked the 364 th blow job Brady has received this year, breaking the previous mark held by the 49ers Joe Montana. “I was walking out of this nightclub and I got approached by a female fan,” said Brady, recalling the incident on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. “I just assumed she wanted to blow me, so I pulled my pants down right there and waited. Sure enough, I was right. I’m just glad someone is keeping track of these things. This is the kind of record that you dream about breaking when you’re a kid.”

Mention Of Our Lord Jesus Christ Brings Interview To Screeching Halt
A mention of Our Lord Jesus Christ brought a postgame interview with David Carr to a screeching halt Sunday, sources reported. The interview was conducted by Fox’s Pan Oliver after Houston’s 31-17 loss to the Denver Broncos. As Carr walked off the field, Oliver asked him how he would regroup from the loss. Carr responded, ” I’m going to watch some tapes and see what kind of adjustments I need to make. I know we’re a better team than this. I’m just going to do whatever I can to give glory to Our Lord Jesus Christ. He’s the reason why I’m here.” “Uh…OK,” said Oliver. “You’re going to give glory to um…Jesus Christ. Thank you. Back up to you, Chris Collinsworth.”

Confused Canadians Turn To Bryan Adams
The Canadian people, frustrated and confused by the loss of the NHL season, have turned to singer Bryan Adams for comfort and assurance. Adams is one of the nation’s most beloved artists and his heartfelt ballads have soothed Canadians for decades. “Please Bryan, your country is suffering,” said Prime Minister Paul Martin. “We need your soulful, earnest, and passionate songs to warm our hearts during this time of great confusion and loss. Bryan, your country needs you. Please answer the call.” According to Adams’ representatives, Canada is about to get its wish. The singer is said to be working on a new single, “The Lockout of My Heart (Will End Someday),” which is due in stores by Christmas.

ESPN Forces Its Way Into Basement Poker Game
ESPN cameras forced their way into a basement poker game in Aurora, IL, and proceeded to film the game and broadcast it on ESPN2, sources reported Tuesday. The game was shown as part of ESPN’s new “Real Poker” series, which portrays regular people playing poker in their homes, often against their will. The owners of the house attempted to call police after the cameraman kicked the door down, but the line was already cut. “We were just sitting there playing and all of a sudden these cameras come charging in,” said Rich Straub, 36, who lives at the home and hosts a casual poker game every Tuesday night. “They told us to relax and keep playing, but I tried calling the police instead. Unfortunately the phone line was dead. These ESPN people really do think of everything, don’t they?”

National Controversy Fails To Stir Interest In Ron Artest’s Album
Despite a national controversy covered exhaustively by the media and discussed ad nauseum on television, radio, and the internet, the American public still does not give a shit about Ron Artest’s R & B album. Artest was hoping his bizarre behavior would help create a buzz around his new project.“OK, so I was thinking if nothing else, all this mess will spark some kind of publicity for the record, but it’s not happening,” said Artest. “Nobody has even asked about it. I thought, you know, there would be some notoriety and some curiosity seekers would want to know about the record. Their too busy making fun of me, I guess. Would you like to know the name of the group, at least? It’s called Allure. The record company is called Truwarier. Hey, wait, come back! I’ve got a free copy for you!”

Sportswriter Awarded Pulitzer For ‘Basket-Brawl’ Pun
BRISTOL, CT--ESPN.com staff writer Don Barber was awarded the Pulitzer prize on Monday for coming up with the amazing and groundbreaking pun “Basket-Brawl” to describe the Pistons-Pacers melee Friday night. Though the Pulitzer prize is normally awarded during the month of May, officials arranged a special ceremony to honor Barber for his contribution to world literature. “Mr. Barber is an innovator and a master of the English language,” said Lee C Bollinger, president of Columbia University, where the ceremony is held. “What he did was take the word ‘Basketball’ and modified it so the word ‘brawl’ replaced ‘ball.’ The resulting word, ‘Basket-Brawl,’ is not only clever and original, it also aptly describes the incident at the Palace Friday night. Bravo, Mr. Barber. The English language has been enriched by your creativity.”

Conservative Coach Vows To Pull Out Some Of The Stops
BRIDGEWATER, NJ--Joe Redman, head coach of the Division II Bridgewater State Bulldogs football team, vowed to pull out some of the stops this week in order to prepare his team for its game against rival Fitchburg University. The conservative coach doesn’t want to pull out all of the stops, for fear of doing anything too drastic. “Well this is a big game for us and we really need a win,” Redman told his players after practice yesterday. “They’re a tough bunch for sure, but so are we. And I will be pulling out some of the stops to get us prepared for this challenge. I won’t pull out all of them, however. That would be too rash. After all, what if we have to put the stops back? That would be pretty difficult if we pulled out all of them now wouldn’t it? Good. I knew you’d see it my way.”

Mugger Undeterred By Terrible Towel
PITTSBURGH, PA--A Pittsburgh woman was mugged on Friday, despite the fact that she threatened her assailant with a “terrible towel,” a yellow rag waved by fans at Pittsburgh Steelers games. The mugger took the woman’s purse anyway, leaving her searching for answers. “I don’t get it. When we use these at Steelers games it really seems to intimidate the opposition,” said Elaine Foley, 37. “Nothing is scarier than watching 60,000 people waving these babies around. So when this criminal approached me and demanded my bag I pulled out my terrible towel and waved it in his face. I said ‘Ha! Take that!’ but he didn’t even flinch. He must be the most courageous person in the world.”

Athlete Totally In The Bank Of America Zone
Kyle Montross, rookie linebacker for the Tennessee Titans, is on fire. After beginning the year as a special teams player Montross has emerged as a full time threat, second on the team with 34 tackles and 4.5 sacks. How has he done it? Montross has simply elevated his game each week. “I would say that I’m on fire right now,” he said. “I’m just in the Bank of America Zone right now. I can’t be stopped. Every week I learn a little bit more from my coaches and teammates. I’m learning the defense, too, so I don’t get confused as much. But I’m not going to be satisfied. Next season I’m going to have to take my game up to the GMC Trucks Next Level.”

Ricky Williams On Suicide Watch After Being Named Turkey of the Year
Ricky Williams was placed on 24-hour suicide watch at Holy Trinity hospital in San Francisco after he was named “Turkey of the Year” by Sports Illustrated’s John Donovan. The former running back learned the devastating news while reading Donovan’s column on CNNSI.com and responded by overdosing on painkillers. His unconscious body was discovered by a friend and taken away by ambulance immediately. Acquaintances described Williams as “inconsolable” “I've never seen him like that before,” said longtime friend Sheila Ramsay. “Ricky has endured a lot of slings and arrows in his career, but being named turkey of the year was something he just couldn’t recover from. The last time I saw him he was weeping uncontrollably and threatening to end it all. I talked him out of it for the moment but I knew he might try it again. I can’t blame him. Being gashed by John Donovan’s mighty pen is too much for anyone to handle. He’s only human.”

Disturbing Brawl Footage Spiced Up With U2’s ‘Vertigo’
The shocking footage from last Friday’s brawl between the Pistons and the Pacers was spiced up with U2’s hit single “Vertigo,” during an airing on Sportscenter. The song’s aggressive, energetic sound perfectly fit the chaotic violence of the tape, said ESPN producer Carol Stegeman. “That certainly is an ugly tape,” said Stegeman. “It was a black day for the NBA, that’s for sure. Look at the rage in Ron Artest’s face. Look at the fans throwing debris on the court, and the child crying. There’s only one pop song that could do this scene justice: U2’s ‘Vertigo.’ It’s perfect. You’ve got that four count from Bono at the beginning, and then it’s just pandemonium set to a great rock and roll song. Also, It gives America a chance to hear U2’s new single, which is in grave danger of being underpromoted.” U2’s new album, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, is available in stores now.