SAN FRANCISCO--According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Barry Bonds’ ATM password is 3856. The paper would not reveal its source, but reaction from the Bonds camp indicates that the story is accurate. Bonds’ attorney, Michael Rains, would not deny the report, but blasted the paper for invading his client’s privacy. “My client’s ATM password is his own business,” said Rains. “For this paper to publish that number in a national newspaper is deplorable. Don’t these people have anything better to report on than Barry Bonds?” A spokesman for the paper said that it uncovered the ATM password while investigating the Bonds’ alleged steroid use. “We found the number while we were doing some investigative reporting on the BALCO steroid scandal,” said editor Tom Rothstein. “We feel it’s the public’s right to know these things. Tomorrow we’ll be revealing the nickname he has for his penis.”
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PHOENIX, AZ--Cardinals coach Dennis Green will continue experimenting with his quarterback position Sunday by playing all three signal-callers simultaneously. The unprecedented move should help the coach get a better feel for which player should be starter. “The job is open to competition. I’m just waiting for someone to step up and seize the opportunity,” Green told reporters after practice on Thursday. “I’ve seen all of them individually but I have yet to see them in a three-quarterback formation. This should really force them to be creative and think on their feet. It’ll be a good way for them to practice evading pressure, too, since we’ll have two less offensive lineman.” If nothing is resolved on Sunday, Green is said to be considering having no quarterback at all for the following week.
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NEW YORK--Outspoken NBA analyst Charles Barkley said he suspected race was a motivating factor in an unspecified incident that he was asked about on Pardon the Interruption. Barkley said that racism pervades all of professional sports and that the latest incident, whatever it is, exemplifies that. “If you ask me, race was definitely a factor in this firing, hiring, comment, or fight,” said Barkley. “I’m not sure the exact nature of the incident or any of the details regarding who was involved or what happened, but nonetheless, I think racial bigotry played a part. It’s a real shame that this type of thing can happen in the year 2004, whatever exactly it was that happened.”
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LIMA, OH--Jake, your personal trainer, is fed up with your half-assed approach to physical fitness and wants you to take it to the next level, sources reported Tuesday. He wants you to stop making excuses and start turning it up a notch so you can achieve maximum results. Using your severe heart condition and asthma as excuses will not accomplish anything. “Let’s go! Let’s go! Take it to the next level!” he yelled. “I don’t wanna see any excuses. I don’t wanna here that your heart is palpitating and you can’t breathe. Losers make excuses and winners execute! Now come on, you can do it. Push! Push!” |
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NEW YORK--According to the New York Post, Yankees GM Brian Cashman has completed a trade which will bring him a Randy Johnson rookie card in exchange for a Mark McGuire rookie card and cash considerations. The trade was made with Detroit Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski at last weekend’s winter meetings in Anaheim. “Dave and I have been talking for some time about that Randy Johnson rookie card,” said Cashman. “He was willing to move it but was looking for the right price. I gave him a nice Topps ’86 Mark McGuire rookie card and an undisclosed amount of cash. I think it was a good move for both of us. It really improves my collection and adds some much needed depth to Dave’s. All in all, I think it was a pretty even swap.” Dombrowski is also shopping a 1987 Donruss Limited Edition John Smoltz card, and a dozen Ken Griffery Jr. rookie cards. |
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HEAVEN--In an unusual and unprecedented move, God, Creator of the Universe, publicly demanded that professional athletes stop pointing at him when they score a touchdown, hit a home run, dunk a basketball, or perform other athletic feats. God explained that pointing is rude and that a deity like himself deserves better treatment. “Please, please stop pointing at me,” God said. “Do you know how rude that is? Jesus, every time someone does something on the field they have to stop and stick their little fingers in my face. It’s nice that your thinking of me, but I honestly couldn’t care less what you do on the field of play. Unlike your average sports fan, I’m not that easy to impress.” |
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CHICAGO, IL--Jay Freidman, a right-handed relief pitcher and Rule 5 draftee, reportedly has no idea what the Rule 5 draft is. The 28-year-old was selected in the draft last month by the White Sox and is headed to Chicago for a physical, though he’s not sure why. “My agent told me I was left unprotected in the Rule 5 draft, and the next thing I know I’m heading to Chicago,” said Freidman. “I don’t even know what the Rule 5 draft is. And why did they leave me unprotected? What did I ever do to them?” When reacted for comment, MLB officials said they didn’t know what the Rule 5 draft was either. |
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GREEN BAY, WI--Minnesota defender Corey Chavous admitted that he purposely allowed Brett Favre to score during Friday’s game out of respect for everything he has accomplished in his career. Chavous was standing at the goal line as Favre scampered towards him on a sneak, and politely stepped aside to let the legend score another touchdown. “Yea, I let him score,” said Chavous, whose team went on to lose 34-31. “I was getting ready to tackle him, and all of a sudden I looked at his face and thought about all the things that he has accomplished during his remarkable career. I thought about how much adversity he has overcome, and how he gives it everything he has day in and day out. Allowing him to score that touchdown was the least I could do. Thank you, Brett Favre.” |
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CINCINNATI, OH--The 7-8 Bengals celebrated a win against the New York Giants yesterday, but that’s not all they celebrated. With a good offense, an OK defense, and a fairly effective head coach, the Cincinnati Bengals celebrated the end of their long climb back to mediocrity. Head Coach Marvin Lewis lauded his team’s efforts in the locker room after the game. “You used to be the Bungles. You used to be the laughingstock of the league,” said Lewis. “You couldn’t play offense or defense. Now, after years of struggling to pick up the pieces, we have finally achieved mediocrity. Nobody talks about us much anymore. We’re not the subject of cruel jokes anymore. We’re just another decent, middle-of-the-road team that will be forgotten about the minute the regular season ends. And you should be proud of it, men. Congratulations! We’re mediocre!” |
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CHARLOTTE, NC--2004 was a trying season for the Carolina Panthers. The NFC champs got off to a 1-7 start and failed to make the playoffs one year after appearing in the Super Bowl. The biggest reason for their disappointing season was injuries, especially on offense. Things got so bad that for two weeks, Coach Fox was forced to start a white man at running back. “I’ve been forced to make some tough decisions in my life, but that was the toughest,” said Fox. “If you told me before the season that I would be forced to use a white guy as a featured back, I would’ve laughed in your face. But you know what the funny thing is? He did OK. I guess there really is parity in this league.” |
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CHARLOTTE, NC--Last weekend, Continental Tire fans from across the nation made a pilgrimage to Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte, NC for the much-anticipated Continental Tire bowl. Decked out in the orange and black of their favorite corporation, they chanted slogans touting Continental’s superior products and high quality service. “Whooo! Continental Tire kicks ass!” shouted Tim McKay of Portland, OR. “I came all the way from Portland to see this! Seriously, these guys are, like, my favorite tire company and I wouldn’t miss this for anything. They have products for cars, trucks, SUV’s, even school buses! They’re so much better than those Goodyear faggots.” McKay went on to say that his favorite tires are ContiSportContact 2 and the ContiTrac SUV3. |
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BRISTOL, CT--According to sources, ESPN’s new “Extreme Bass Fishing” is pretty much the same as regular bass fishing, except the competitors wear wrap-around sunglasses and shout a lot they catch a fish. The program will air Friday nights on ESPN2. “Extreme Bass Fishing is um…well, it’s a lot like regular bass fishing except more extreme,” said Shelly Stegemen, producer. “See, regular bass fishing doesn’t have a slamming heavy metal soundtrack and trash talking fisherman. It’s so boring. This is not your granddaddy’s fishing show, so if you can’t handle some hard-core, in-your-face fishing action with lots of attitude, then…. Oh, forget it. I can’t even do this anymore.” |
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