The Brushback In Brief

Player Confused By Term ‘Invaluable’
ST PAUL, MN--Minnesota Twins centerfielder Lew Ford was confused Saturday when Ron Gardenhire told a reporter that he was “invaluable.” Said Gardenhire: “We’re going to have to rely on some of our younger players to come up big this postseason, incuding Lew Ford, who has been invaluable to us.” Ford wasn’t sure if the term meant “really valuable” or “not valuable at all” “Coach said I was ‘invaluable’ but I’m not quite sure what he means,” said Ford. “At first I was excited, but then when I thought about it I got a little concerned. If common grammar and syntax rules are applied, ‘invaluable’ should mean that I’m not valuable. Then again, if you look at the context it was used in, clearly the coach was trying to pay me a compliment. Looks like I have to brush up on my grammar skills. Wait…no I don’t. I’m a professional ballplayer.”

Cubs Shift Focus To World Series Of Poker
CHICAGO--Members of the Chicago Cubs yesterday switched their focus from the World Series of baseball to the World Series of poker. Moises Alou, Michael Barret, Todd Walker, and Corey Patterson are headed to Binion’s Horeshoe Casino in Las Vegas to play in the tournament in hopes of brining the championship back to Chicago. “The Cubs are going to win the World Series this year,” said Walker. “That’s right. The World Series of Poker. We’ve all been honing our Texas Hold ‘Em Skills and we’re gonna give the people of Chicago something to cheer about. We’re gonna break this damn curse forever! I just can’t wait for that big victory parade down Waverly avenue.”

First Base Coach Wonders If He’s Even Making A Difference Anymore
LOS ANGELES--John Shelby, first base coach for the Los Angeles Dodgers, is wondering if he’s even making a difference anymore. After years of watching batters arrive at first base indifferent to his advice, Shelby has been forced to reassess his role on the team. Is he really needed? Is he having any impact at all? “This is sort of an existential question I guess,” said Shelby. “All of mankind’s greatest philosophers have dealt with the age-old question ‘Why are we here?’ but I’m sure none of them have had to experince the soul crushing experience of being a first base coach. I feel so…so impotent-though not in a Rafael Palmeiro sort of way.” Shelby is considering asking for a promotion to third base coach, where the runner will at least be required to pay attention to him.

Lebron James’ First Born Handed Over To Nike
CLEVELAND, OH--In accordance with the contract signed in 2003, Lebron James handed his first born child over to Nike yesterday. The unnamed infant was immediately whisked away to Nike headquarters in Beaverton, OR, where it will be placed into captivity. The child will be raised by Nike and utilized by the advertisement department. “We have received infant LJ-17 and have placed it in the care of our marketing executives,” read a press release issued by Nike. “They will be the child’s legal guardians until he is old enough to legally appear in television commercials and promote the goods and services provided by the Nike Corporation. The baby, like its father, will have the Nike logo branded into its backside in accordance with copyright laws. All of Lebron’s future male babies will be utilized in the same manner.”

Tom Gordon Referred To As ‘Uncle Tom’ By Nephew
NEW YORK--Yankees reliever Tom Gordon was shocked and offended when his nephew Jason referred to him as “Uncle Tom” during a family dinner on Sunday. Gordon reprimanded young Jason and demanded an apology. “Apologize to me now, young man!” Gordon snapped to the confused 6-year-old. “That is a disrespectful term that brings back memories of slavery and discrimination. I don’t know where you learned that, but I have a mind to wash your little mouth out with soap. Now apologize!”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” cried Jason, his eyes welling up with tears. “I was just gonna ask you to pass the salt, Uncle Tom! Oh shit, I said it again!”

Chicken-Selects Guy Refuses To Give Starving Child Some Chicken
AMES, IA--The greedy, obnoxious chicken-selects guy continued his gluttonous ways yesterday when he deprived a starving child of a piece of chicken from his box of chicken selects. The child, an 8-year-old street urchin begging for morsels outside McDonald’s, was cruelly spurned and left to endure another night without food. “Don’t touch my chicken! Hey, you heard me, you little fucker,” said the chicken-selects guy as the child held out his dirty hand. “See this? This is a ‘Don’t touch my chicken’ zone. I don’t care if you’re starving. These are my chicken-selects. Keep your hands away from the deliciousness.” The chicken-selects guy then consumed the last piece of chicken, threw the box at the child’s feet, licked his fingers, and walked away.

Belichick Ridicules Team For Being Too Streaky
FOXBORO, MA--Patriots Coach Bill Belichick blasted his team Sunday for being too streaky. The comments came after their 30-20 win against the Seattle Seahawks that extended their historic streak to 20. The streak has left Belichick and his coaching staff “deeply concerned.” “Look, you can’t succeed in this league if you’re too streaky,” Belichik told reporters after the game. “You’ve got to be on an even keel every week. Sure all this winning is good but you can’t be the kind of team that gets too high or too low. Right now wer’re way too high, though not in a Ricky Williams sort of way.”

Dream Job Contestant Mentally Pummeling Steven A Smith
BRISTOL, CT- Dream Job contestant Brian Startare was mentally pummeling Steven A Smith Tuesday night as Smith was lambasting him performance during the show’s play-by-play segment. Smith told Startate that he was “pathetic” and that he looked “overmatched” when the teleprompter went down. Startare stood quietly and took the abuse, but inside he was beating the shit out of Smith. “What a smug little shit,” Startate said afterwards. “Who does he think he is, insluting me like that? He’s got an awfully big mouth for such a scrawly little fuck. I tell ya, while he was saying all that stuff, I had this great fantasy that I jumped over the table, sat on top of him and just started punching him.

Media Buzzing Over Media-Created Rivalry
NEW YORK--The nation’s media is abuzz over the rivarly between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. The rivalry has reached a new level in the past few years, due in large part to non-stop hype and wall to wall media coverage. Nearly every sportswriter in America has weighed in on the series, and ESPN has devoted hundreds of hours of programming to the so called “historic” rivalry. “This is a going to be a very exciting week of coverage,” said Bodenheimer. “We’re going to have celebrities, professional athletes, and even boxing commentators analyzing every single movement the players make during this exciting and violent brawl. Even I’ll be there, masturbating in the background.”

Pathetic Dork Finally Achieves Coolness At World Series Of Poker
LAS VEGAS, NV--Jay Pullman appeared on the World Series of Poker last week and life hasn’t been the same since for the overweight, middle-aged virgin. Though Pullman didn’t win, he got valuable face time on national television and was even given a nickname, “The Professor”, for his deliberate and thoughtful style. Pullman said it was the first nickname he had since grade school, when classmates called him “faggot.” “Wow, unbelievable. You make one appearance on the World Series of Poker and people suddenly think you’re some cool, suave card shark. Go figure. By day, I’m a fat, unemployed postal worker, by night I’m ‘the Professor.’ Maybe I’ll try to parlay this into some sort of endoresement deal. You know, like Tiger Woods.”

Report: House: MD Is A Revolutionary New Drama That Will Change The Way You Watch Television
LOS ANGELES--According to a report from the Fox network, House, the network’s newest show, is a revolutionary drama that will change the way you watch television. Sources close to Fox say that the show will be a taut, suspensful thrill-ride with new twists and turns every week. The mind blowing drama, which has been promoted relentlessly during Fox’s baseball coverage, is bound to redefine the medical drama as we know it. “As you’ve seen from our thousands of promos during the playoffs and World Series, House is a show not to be missed,” said Sarah Redman, Fox producer. “It stars Hugh Laurie as an irreverant, controversial doctor who’ll do anything to save his patients’ lives. Even though it looks like just another boring, derivitive, melodramatic piece of crap, it’s really not. Trust me.”

Chris Berman Has Crush On Deon Sanders
BRISTOL, CT--Chris Berman, host of Sunday NFL Countdown on ESPN, clearly has a crush on the Ravens Deon Sanders. The jovial anchor almost creamed his pants while recounting Sanders’ interception and subsequent touchdown against the Buffalo Bills on Sunday. “And who’s that Johnny-on-the-spot? Why it’s PRIME TIME!” shouted Berman, his face red with excitement. “He picks it off, he starts the high step and he’s off to the races! He! Could! Go! All! The! Way! Touchdown, Prime Time! And we know what’s coming next, don’t we? The end zone dance, as only he can do it. Welcome back, Prime Time. It’s good to have you back.”
Berman went on to mention the name “Prime Time” three dozen times before the telecast was over.