The Brushback In Brief

Black Quarterback Disappoints Fans By Not Being Mobile
JACKSONVILLE, FL-Byron Leftwich, quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars, disappointed fans this season by being an immobile pocket passer. General Manager James Harris says he warned fans up front that Leftwich was not the “Michael Vick type.” “I said when we drafted him that he was a pocket passer,” said Harris. “I don’t know why everyone thinks he can run around. I can’t understand it.” After Leftwich’s first game on November 6, Jacksonville media and fans expressed confusion as to why the quarterback took so many sacks. “I guess I just expected…something else,” said Dale Downing, host of WJXN’s Jag Hour. “I can’t put my finger on it, but the second I looked at him I thought he would be, you know, mobile, like those other um…quarterbacks that um…oh forget it. I guess I was just wrong. We all were.”

Pistons ‘Accidentally’ Leave Darko Milicic At Airport
DETROIT, MI-For the second time this month, the Detroit Pistons accidentally left first round draft pick Darko Milicic stranded at the airport. This time it was Boston’s Logan airport, and the team insists that it will never happen again. “Well I never,” said GM Joe Dumars. “I just can’t understand how it happened. We did a head count before we left and we thought everyone was here. I can assure you this was a tragic accident that will never, ever happen again.” Milicic was reportedly sprinting behind the team yelling, “Wait up”, but to no avail. According to Milicic, the team looked back and started walking faster. “I was chasing them, but I guess they didn’t hear me,” said Milicic. “Perhaps I just need to improve my English. Yes, that is the problem. They must not have understood what I was saying.”

Slam Dunk Captured On Film
BOSTON-For the first time in human history, a rare “slam dunk” was captured on film by an ESPN cameraman at Tuesday’s Celtics-Bucks game. The nation watched in stunned silence as Boston’s Ricky Davis soared in the air and deposited the ball through the hoop with the force of a sledgehammer. “This is a significant day in sports history,” said ESPN President George Bodenheimer. “It’s a significant day in human history. The moon landing, the Kennedy assassination, and now this, an elusive, rare slam dunk caught on tape.” Sports fans around the nation said the accomplishment was akin to capturing the image of Big Foot or the Loch Ness monster. “I’ve seen it all now,” said Ralph Bernstein of Islip, NY. “What’s left for me to do? I can die happy.”

Cold Pizza Experiences Brief Ratings Surge When NFL Ticker Scrolls Across Screen
BRISTOL, CT-ESPN’s new morning show Cold Pizza experienced a brief but powerful ratings surge Monday morning when the NFL score ticker scrolled across the bottom of the screen. The rating spike was noticed on Tuesday when producer Ann Gowan checked the Nielsons to see if the show was succeeding in building an audience. “I check every other day, and it’s usually pretty depressing,” said Gowan. “But I saw this huge spike that lasted a few minutes and then went away. I was damn excited until I realized it was Monday morning, and people were probably looking at the ticker for football scores.” Based on the consistently low rankings, ESPN executives are considering pulling the show off the air, and replacing it with a black screen containing nothing but a score ticker.

Nextel Officials Consider Possibly Running Ad During Superbowl
HOUSTON, TX-Officials from Nextel confirmed that they are carefully considering running an advertisement during this year’s Superbowl. The officials would not discuss the details of the ad but insisted that no decision has been made as of yet. “This is not something we take lightly,” said CEO Tim Donahue. “We’re not the kind of company that wants to infringe on people’s football-viewing enjoyment, and we certainly wouldn’t want to overexpose ourselves by running multiple ads. This is a big step for us, and we want to be tasteful. We are considering a brief, simple, 30-second spot to increase awareness of our walkie-talkie phones. After that, we’ll go back to operating under the radar. We certainly don’t want to be boastful, self-promoting whores like those people at Sprint.”

Bio-Chemical Weapons Specialist Psyched About Free Superbowl Tickets
HOUSTON, TX-Vincent Maltell, an expert in biological and chemical weapons, is reportedly “totally psyched” about the free tickets to the Superbowl he will receive as part of his job on the security force. Maltell’s job will be to patrol Reliant Stadium with special chemical detection equipment to assure terrorists have not infiltrated the building with weapons of mass destruction. “I have to walk around with this sensor and make sure there’s no chemical or biological agents anywhere. It’s a tough job, but as long as I don’t find any Anthrax or enriched Uranium, I should be able to really enjoy the game. I mean, how many people get free Superbowl tickets at their jobs? Go Patriots!” Maltell will be clad in a bright orange radiation suit with gas mask in case of a terrorist attack.

NFL Diversity Committee Confounded By Interview Of Asian Coach
OAKLAND, CA-The Oakland Raiders have interviewed former offensive lineman Eugene Chung for their vacant head coaching position, sources reported Tuesday. The move was greeted with muted enthusiasm from the NFL diversity committee, which wasn’t sure exactly how to respond. “Well, he is a minority, but he’s not African American,” said Dan Rooney, president of the committee. “I guess Asians count. Does that satisfy the minority interview quota? Damned if I know. I guess it does…No, wait. It doesn’t. Actually…it does. Oh, fuck it. I have no idea.” The committee was further confused when the Raiders interviewed former New England Patriots running back Mosi Tatupu, a Samoan.

Concussions Linked To Getting Your Head Bashed In
ATLANTA, GA-The American Association of Sports Medicine may have discovered the source behind the recent rash of concussions among NFL quarterbacks. According to a recent study conducted by the AASM, most concussions can be linked to getting your head bashed in. “There is a pattern here,” said Ronald Serling, PHD. “Out of the ten quarterbacks who suffered concussions this year, every single one of them had their heads bashed in on the previous play. This trend is alarming, as it indicates that many more concussions are inevitable unless the league curbs the head bashing, skull crushing style of play.” Commissioner Paul Tagliabue has vowed to study ways to prevent heads from being so seriously bashed in. “This is an eye opening report,” the commissioner said. “The head bashing must stop, or the concussions will continue. I think quarterbacks should start wearing helmets. What? They already do? Oh well. Then I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do.”

Jeremy Shockey Apologizes In Advance For Next Season’s Remarks
NEW YORK-Jeremy Shockey, controversial tight end for the New York Giants, apologized in advance today for remarks he will make next season. “I just want to say that I am sorry for the insensitive comments I will make next year,” said a contrite Shockey at a press conference. “The remarks will be uncalled for, crude, politically incorrect, and racist. I especially want to issue an apology to Coach Joe Gibbs, who I will publicly insult during the preseason, as well as Coach Gibbs’ mother, who I will also insult. What I’m going to say about her will be vile and grotesque, and should not be taken literally.” Giants ownership applauded the preemptive apology, saying it was a sign of the young player’s courage and maturity.

Countdown To Superbowl Pre-Game Show Preview Begins Today
BRISTOL, CT-The big day is almost upon us. The countdown to the preview of the Superbowl pre-game show begins today, and the media hype is already starting. The actual pre-game show will begin Sunday at noon, and the preview of the pre-game show will begin Saturday at 4 PM. “It’s Wednesday, which means only 3 days till the pre-game show preview begins,” said an excited Chris Berman. “As you can see from the clock on the corner of your screen, we have approximately 72 hours before we start discussing what’s in store for the pre-game show. Will there be celebrity interviews? Will there be statistical analysis? I can tell you this much: I’ll be there, along with my crew, Tom Jackson, Michael Irvin, and Steve Young, and we’ll start our coverage Saturday at 4 and take you right into the much-anticipated Superbowl pre-game show. So buckle your seat belts, folks. The countdown to the Superbowl pre-game preview starts now!”

Late Arriving Prostitute Fined By Bill Belichick
HOUSTON, TX- Tanisha Wallace, a Houston area prostitute, was fined Tuesday evening after reportedly showing up late for a rendezvous with Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. Wallace paid the fine and was sent away by the irate coach. “We just have a certain way of doing things around here,” said Belichick at a press conference the next morning. “It's not a personal thing, but we can’t have everyone on their own schedule, especially when I’m in dire need of a hand job.” Wallace says she was wrong to show up late and understands the fine. “Coach Belichick wants things done his way or not at all,” said Wallace. “That’s just the way he is. All the girls know it. Sure, I was only ten minutes late getting to his room, but I violated a rule and that’s the bottom line. All you can do is pay the fine and file it away as a learning experience.”