NEW YORK--A source close to the Wie family revealed today that Michelle Wie, teen tennis prodigy, has cooties. She reportedly caught the disease from a fellow student while in middle school and has been stricken with it ever since. The Wie family could not be reached comment. “Michelle was diagnosed with cooties two years ago while she was in 8 th grade,” the source told the New York Post. “There’s no known cure for it, but the proper treatment can usually keep the symptoms under control, which means she won’t look too stinky and gross all the time.”
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PHILADELPHIA, PAThe 76ers’ Allen Iverson pretended he was fouled after shooting an air ball Monday night during a game against the Indiana Pacers. Though no defender was in sight, Iverson winced and grabbed his wrist after his wild 3-pointer clanged off the back of the rim, scowling at Joe Crawford for not making the call. Crawford, a veteran official, had this to say after the game: “That’s an old trick. Everybody does it. Throw up a shitty shot and then pretend you got hit in the arm. The only problem was, there was no defender in sight. Why can’t these guys just own up to it when they throw up an air ball? When I make a lousy call I own up to it. Just kidding. What I actually do is insist it was the right call and give the guy a technical foul for arguing with me.”
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MIAMI, FL--Dan Marino, who is headed to the Hall of Fame next month, said he felt “humbled” by the honor of being mentioned in the same breath as some of the greats in the game. Some of his former teammates were puzzled by his comments, since only the most awesome and kick-ass players in the history of the league are allowed into the hall. “Humbled? Why would he be humbled about that?” asked former Dolphins tackle Marc Felger, a teammate of Marino’s. “If I was going in to the Hall of Fame I’d feel pretty damn good about myself. I’d be walking around like I was the king shit. But he’s feeling all meek and modest. Please. I’ll give you ‘humbling’. I played two years in the league before I injured my back and had to retire. Now I work at a car wash. That’s humbling.”
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NEW YORK--Morons across the nation expressed joy and delight over a monkey commercial aired during the Super Bowl. The 30-second spot by CareerBuilder.com portrayed a group of monkeys dressed as businessmen in a hilarious, offbeat spoof of contemporary office life. “HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA! I can’t stop laughing!” shouted dipshit Carl Mulgren, 39, of Aubrey, AK. “Can you believe they got em all dressed up like people? They look just like little people! Oh man, who would’ve ever thought of a gag like that? If I had that kind of imagination, I’d be rich!” Following the game, officials at CareerBuilder.com reported a dramatic increase in business from the nation’s morons. “We received thousands of applications, many with spelling and grammar mistakes,” said CEO Phil Sampson. “Clearly we have done a great job of reaching the moron demographic.”
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JACKSONVILLE, FL--Move over, SkyCam. The Fox network unveiled an even more amazing and sensational on-field camera during Sunday’s Super Bowl broadcast from Alltel Stadium. “Pylon Cam,” a tiny remote camera embedded in the orange end zone pylon, provided viewers with stunning close ups of blades of grass. Play-by-Play announcer Joe Buck hailed the new angle as “revolutionary.” “And here you see our view from Pylon Cam,” Buck noted as viewers were treated to an incredibly crisp picture of some turf. “This is a revolutionary new camera angle that allows football fans to get up close and personal and see the blades of grass that make up the Alltel Stadium end zone. This is a view normally reserved for referees, groundskeepers, and running backs who have been driven into the turf. Enjoy this historic moment, folks. You won’t see technology like this until next year’s big game, when we unveil ‘Underneath the Bench Obscured by a Gatorade Bucket Cam.’”
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WASHINGTON, DC--President Bush was reported to be in good condition Sunday after completing a risky pretzel-eating operation during the Super Bowl. The President choked on a pretzel last year in a much publicized mix-up that led to a rethinking of the administration’s pretzel-eating policy. This year, the President’s cabinet advised him to chew more thoroughly before attempting to swallow the salted treat, a practice that paid big dividends, as Bush was able to avoid a repeat of last year’s embarrassing mishap. “The pretzel consumption went off without a hitch,” said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “The President was able to place the pretzel in his mouth, chew exactly five times in order to grind the object into pieces small enough to fit down his esophagus, and complete the process without incident.” McClellan added that the President may attempt another pretzel-swallowing at next year’s Super Bowl.
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CLEVELAND, OH--Jim Brown, Hall of Fame running back, underwent surgery yesterday to remove the little African hat from his head. Brown first wore the hat in June of 1976 and has not taken it off since. The hat was removed in a simple two-hour procedure and will be donated to the pro football Hall of Fame. “Jim has had the hat for quite some time, and once he decided to remove it he realized it was stuck to his head,” said a spokesman for the Brown family. “It was all gross and sticky and just wouldn’t budge, no matter how many people tried pulling it off. So Jim went to the emergency room where they determined that surgery was needed. But Jim wanted everyone to know that he is still very fond of his hat, as it symbolizes his solidarity with Africans or something.”
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ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia--In a unique twist on the popular American fad of competitive eating, Ethiopians have developed a competition to see who can starve the quickest. This year’s winner was 30-year-old Negaso Woldegiorgis, who consumed a record zero hot dogs in just under twenty minutes to become Ethiopia’s hungriest human being. “Congratulations Negaso,” said judge Addis Worle. “You have consumed zero hot dogs in our hot dog not-eating contest and are now the hungriest person in Ethiopia, which, if you think about it, is saying a lot.” “Thank you,” replied the pencil thin Woldegirogis, as the judge placed a ribbon around his bony neck. “It is an honor to be so hungry. If only the prize were some food. The ribbon--is it edible?”
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PHOENIX--Seattle center Danny Fortson had to be restrained by teammates Thursday night after discovering that his favorite pink scrunchie was missing from his locker. Fortson launched a profanity-laced tirade and threw a chair in a display that led to a 2 game suspension. “Who the fuck stole my scrunchie?” Fortson yelled, as teammates looked on nervously. “Who was it? Was it you, Allen? Was it you, Lewis? Whichever one of you motherfuckers stole that scrunchie is going to get a beatdown like you’ve never seen before! Motherfuckers! I got that thing from the fucking Lady Gap and I put it in my fucking locker and nobody was supposed to touch it!” Fortson was eventually forced to go online and order a new scrunchie in a totally different, lame color because they were out of the pink ones.
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In a faxed memo today to dozens of manufacturing plants in Southeast Asia, Nike executives informed Tsunami survivors that “the party’s over” and it’s time to get back to work stitching Nike apparel. The memo was a devastating blow to the thousands of workers affected by the disaster, but officials insisted that they had no choice. “I know it’s hard, but people here in the States need sneakers,” said Gary Wolaston, Southeast Asia regional manager. “We’re rolling out a lot of new products and they need to be manufactured and shipped pronto. Plus, most of these people have far surpassed their annual allotted sick time of one day. We feel we’ve been extremely charitable and understanding here. Come on, people. The party’s over. Get back to work.” Wolaston also pointed out that Nike generously donated thousands of free basketballs to the historic relief effort.
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The New York Mets today unveiled a brand new team slogan to go along with its new TV deal and fresh crop of free agent signings. The slogan “There is a $15 fee for reading this slogan” will be printed on all Mets merchandise and will be displayed permanently on the Shea Stadium scoreboard. A team spokesman said the slogan represents “the newer, hipper, more expensive version” of the popular baseball team. “Our new slogan is a more modern, ultra-cool, extreme slogan that reflects the bold new approach we’ve taken to running this team,” said marketing director Mandy Richmond. “From now on, anyone who reads the slogan will be required to send a check for $15 to the New York Mets. The proceeds will be used to sign new players and keep the team competitive for years to come. So if you’re reading this, you can send the check immediately or we will deduct it from your bank account. Yes, we know your account number. Don’t ask how.”
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The Reds’ Ken Griffey Jr, who has been dogged in recent years by a nagging hamstring injury, is reportedly feeling great and ready to start the season with his new prosthetic hamstring. “I’m not in any pain. That’s something I haven’t been able to say in a long time,” said Griffey. “This prosthetic hamstring is extremely durable and rock solid. It does, however, lack some flexibility, so when I run I sort of look like I’m hopping on one leg, probably because I am hopping on one leg. But like I said, I’m not in any pain anymore…wait…hold on a sec. Ouch. What’s that? Oh, man. There goes my other hamstring.”
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According to an explosive report from ESPN’s Pedro Gomez, Barry Bonds played catch today at the Giants spring training facility in Scottsdale, AZ. The circumstances around the game of catch are murky, but Gomez reported that teammate Moises Alou may also have been involved. “As far as we know right now, Bonds played catch with Alou this morning,” Gomez told Dan Patrick on Sportscenter. “Witnesses said that the two stood about fifty feet apart in right field and proceeded to throw the ball to one another. When one person caught the ball, he would take it out of his glove and throw it back to the other person, and so on. That’s all I have right now, but I’ll be keeping you informed throughout the night.” “Thanks, Pedro,” replied Patrick, “for that truly amazing piece of reportage.”
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According to family members, famous journalist Hunter S. Thompson will have his body cremated and his ashes rolled into a giant marijuana cigarette, which will be smoked by close friends and family at a small ceremony in Woody Creek, Colorado. The beloved writer and creator of “Gonzo” journalism ordered the unique send-off in his last will and testament and family members zare happy to oblige. “We’re going to do it, yes. It is definitely feasible,” said Thompson’s son, Juan. “All we need is a shitload of weed and some rolling papers. It’s what he wanted. My father was a man who lived life to the fullest, always spoke his mind, and most importantly, did lots and lots of drugs.” Thompson also noted that dozens NBA players have requested invitations to the celebration, including the entire Portland Trail Blazers roster.
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Astros owner Drayton McLane is urging city officials to approve funding for a new ballpark that is less gay than Minute Maid Park. McLane claimed that the ballpark is silly and childish, but admitted that it didn’t occur to him until just two days ago. “I was walking around the field just to clear my head, when all of a sudden it hit me: This place is totally gay,” said McLane, who spent $265 million on the park. “I mean, what’s with those stupid arches and that ridiculous hill in center field? It’s all just so contrived and cutesy. It’s something a 10-year-old girl would’ve designed. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the name. Fucking Minute Maid Park. We may as well have just named it the ‘Tampax Tampons Pussy Palace’
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