The Brushback In Brief

Arena Football Season May Have Just Ended
PHILADELPHIA--According to an Associated Press report, the Arena Football League season may have just ended. Nobody knows for sure, but some evidence does indicate that the 2004 season has drawn to a close. “Well, spring is coming, and I think Arena football is only played during the winter,” said Sportscenter anchor Dan Patrick. “Plus I just heard something about a really big game between the Philadelphia Soul and the Indiana Firebirds. Maybe that was the Superbowl, or whatever they call it. Frankly, I don’t really give a shit.” Calls to Arena League officials were not returned, but John Elway, owner of the Colorado Crush or Smash or something, indicated he would make an announcement as soon as he heard anything. Elway was golfing at the time, and thanked reporters for reminding him that he owns the team.

Referee Apologizes In Advance For Horrible Call
LOS ANGELES--In an unusual move during last Sunday’s Spurs-Lakers game at the Staples Center, referee Joe Crawford apologized in advance to Tim Duncan for a horrible call he was about to make. The incident occurred during a pivotal stretch in the fourth quarter when the Lakers were trying to close the gap with the Spurs. Karl Malone went up for a shot and Duncan swatted it down, prompting a whistle from Crawford.
“I’m sorry Tim. I know you got all ball, but I haven’t made one terrible call today and I think I’m due,” said Crawford. “So I’m about to call you for a bullshit foul. Here goes.” Duncan was upset about the call, but credited Crawford for his honesty.
“That’s a first. It was shit call, but at least he warned me about it. Next time I would prefer he just didn’t make the call at all.”

Feds Retract Earlier Claim That John Madden’s Bus Is Mobile Bio-Chemical Weapons Lab
WASHINGTON, DC--White House officials reversed an earlier claim that John Madden’s famous tour bus is a mobile chemical weapons facility. The report was initially released as part of the White House’s public relations push to garner support for the Iraq invasion. Madden’s bus was listed as a “potential bio-chemical weapons laboratory disguised as a tour bus.” Madden vehemently denied the claim, and Secretary of State Colin Powell confirmed today that faulty intelligence was to blame for the misunderstanding. “The intelligence that we used to make that assertion was dubious at best,” Powell testified to the panel investigating the 9/11 attacks. “At the time, we thought it may be possible, and the President was eager to convey the danger presented by Saddam Hussein to the American people. Unfortunately, we got a little overzealous. The John Madden Outback Steakhouse tour bus is not a bio-chemical weapons facility.”

Black NASCAR Driver Pulled Over During Race
AUSTIN, TX--John L. Robeson, an African-American NASCAR driver, was pulled over by the cops during the Samsung/RadioShack 500, held April 4 at Texas Motor Speedway. The cops insisted that Robeson was speeding, and that they had no ulterior motives for pulling over the driver. “Our job is to prevent people from speeding, and Mr. Robeson was going 156 miles per hour,” said Officer Lance Hendrickson of Texas State Police. “We would pull over anyone going that fast, and to make this a racial issue is really shameless.
Robeson indicated that he plans to fight the ticket in court. He believes the traffic stop was motivated by race, not speed.
“This is NASCAR. What the fuck?” said Robeson. “We’re all speeding. I didn’t see them pulling over any of the white drivers. Nope, they just turned the other way. Anytime these bastards see a brother driving, they automatically get suspicious and pull em over. Being black is obviously a crime to these people. And I’ll tell you, there was no need for them to force me to lie on the ground with my hands on my head. I almost got run over.”

Martha Burke Demands Women Be Allowed Into Men’s Bathrooms
AUGUSTA, GA--Martha Burke, still bitter over the Augusta golf club scandal, is apparently turning her attention to another cause. The women’s rights activist is taking on the public restroom industry, for what she refers to as “systematic and repeated sexism” in the separation of men’s and women’s restrooms. Burke is demanding that women be allowed to use the same restrooms as men.
“Why can’t we go to the bathroom in the same places as men? Are we not equal? Do we not pee the same color as men? Is our shit not brown?” Burke asked a group of reporters at a press conference earlier today. “I’m tired of having to look for that little picture of the woman in the skirt on the door of the bathroom. It’s demeaning. We should be able to go to the bathroom freely, anywhere we want. Come on ladies, stand up for yourselves. Ladies? Ladies?”
Burke’s latest crusade may be in vein, as the majority of women polled say they don’t mind using separate bathrooms, and would rather not have to pee standing up.

Pistons-Spurs Game Ends In Scoreless Tie
DETROIT--When the league’s two premier defensive teams squared off Friday night, everyone expected a slugfest. Well, they were not disappointed. The Pistons-Spurs matchup was an awesome display of defensive intensity and hard-nosed basketball. In the end of regulation, the score was 0-0. After two overtimes nothing had changed, so the league decided to call the game a tie, marking the first time in history an NBA game finished without a basket. Doug Collins, TNT basketball analyst, called the game “monumental” and “historic.” “What a defensive clinic these two teams just put on,” Collins said during his postgame wrap-up. “Blocked shots, hard fouls, airballs—this is what NBA excitement is all about. If the fans didn’t leave this game satisfied, then they’re not real fans. We can only hope this is a preview of the NBA Finals, because this is clearly the kind of hoops America wants to see.”
Despite Collins enthusiasm, league officials expressed concern over the lack of scoring in the game and the low television ratings. According to high-ranking league sources, Turner Broadcasting Network has threatened to boycott the NBA finals if the Spurs and Pistons win their respective conferences. Commissioner Stern indicated that he would contact both teams, and ask them to play slightly less dazzling defense.

Fat Fuck Has Tremendous Upside
HOUSTON, TX--Roy McCardell, fat fuck from the University of Texas, has tremendous upside, scouts reported Saturday. The 393 pound defensive lineman is said to be a potential run stuffer if he could only improve his mobility. He currently runs a 40 yard dash in just under 10 minutes. “McCardell is basically immobile right now, but he does have some serious upside,” said one NFC scout, who witnessed McCardell’s workout at the combine. “If he could learn to move slightly to the left or right, and stand erect for more than one play at a time, he could make someone a great situational defender, especially in the 3-4.” McCardell must work on his footwork and coordination before he becomes a serious candidate, but run-stuffers are so highly valued that he has a “real good chance” of making an NFL roster next season. For now, McCardell has been instructed to gain a few more pounds so he can become more of a fat disgusting fuck.

Ben Wallace Blocks Own Shot, Gets Rebound, Fouls Self
DETROIT--Defensive dynamo Ben Wallace made history yesterday when he became the first NBA player to block his own shot. He then boxed himself out and snatched the rebound, only to be whistled for a foul against himself on the way back up. The incident occurred during the second quarter of the Piston playoff game against the Milwaukee Bucks, and further cemented his reputation as the league’s premier defensive player. “That just proves that he deserves to win the Defensive player of the year award,” said Pistons coach Larry Brown. “How many players in the league could pull off something like that? He was so tenacious when he blocked his own shot, and even more so when he got the rebound. Too bad he fouled himself. He still has a little work to do in that area.”

John Rocker Sort Of Misses Being Most Hated Man In America
SONOMA, CA--John Rocker, former Braves pitcher and lightning-rod for controversy, admitted yesterday that he sort of missed being the most hated man in America. The 36-year-old Rocker has been toiling in the Independent League for the past three years and misses the all the attention, even if it was negative attention. “Boy, those were the days,” Rocker said wistfully, as he rode in the back of the bus en route to another game with his team, the Sonoma Crushers. “Granted, people hated my guts, but you can’t buy that kind of publicity. I was on every magazine cover in the country. I was America’s biggest villain. Now I’ve been supplanted by that pussy Osama Bin Laden. I can’t even get arrested in this country. Believe me, I’ve tried.” Rocker added that he spends much of his offseason watching old footage of himself being peppered with debris by Mets fans and holding apologetic press conferences.