The Brushback In Brief

Popular Sports Cliché Celebrates One Millionth Utterance
LOS ANGELES--A popular, time-tested sports cliché celebrated its one-millionth utterance yesterday when the Dodgers Shawn Green uttered it at a press conference after a game with the Houston Astros. “We’re just gonna take it one game at a time,” said Green, unaware that he had spoken the famous cliché for the millionth time in MLB history. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, noisemakers sounded, confetti fell from above, and Commissioner Bud Selig emerged from out of nowhere to shake his hand and inform him of the milestone.
“Wow, this quite an honor,” said Green. “That cliché has served me, and my fellow players, quite well over the years, and it’s great to be part of this special day. The cliché was first uttered by the Yankees Mickey Mantle in 1961, in reference to he and Roger Maris’s pursuit of Babe Ruth’s home run record.

Yankees To Pay Randy Johnson’s Salary Anyway
NEW YORK--The New York Yankees, disappointed in having failed to land Randy Johnson from the Arizona Diamondbacks, have decided to go ahead and pay the pitcher’s salary anyway. The move was greeted warmly by Diamondbacks GM Joe Garagiola. “I thought it was a great idea,” he said. “[Yankees GM Brian] Cashman called me and said ‘We’re paying this guy’s contract, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, pal.’ I was like, ‘OK, sure. Go for it.’” Said Cashman: “We were extremely angry at Joe for not cutting a deal with us, so we thought we should teach him a lesson and show him that the Yankees are not to be messed with.”

Pardon The Interruption Bumped For 30 Minutes Of Dead Air
BRISTOL, CT--ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption was bumped for 30 minutes of dead air on Wednesday. The show, which had previously been bumped for golf, bowling, poker, a tractor pull, and miniature golf, reached a new low when the network’s programming director decided to air 30 minutes of nothing instead. “One of my favorite hobbies in the world is to bump PTI,” explained ESPN director of programming Mark Simon. “Even though it’s one of our most popular shows, I’d bump it for my family’s game of Boggle. On the other hand, Cold Pizza would air through a nuclear holocaust, even though it’s a dreadful show that nobody watches. Kind of weird, isn’t it?”

Pussy Cries During Hall Of Fame Enshrinement
CANTON, OH--John Elway, former quarterback and complete pussy, cried during his Hall of Fame enshrinement ceremony at Canton, Ohio Saturday. Elway started his acceptance speech strong but crumbled midway through, shedding tears and blubbering like a school girl. “It’s been a great run,” Elway began. “It’s hard to believe that a young kid from…from….I’m sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t do this but…” Elway carried on like that for close to an hour before finally stepping off the stage. He was followed by fellow inductee Barry Sanders, a true man who did not shed one tear during his entire speech.

Eddie George Promises To Rush For 1,000 Yards If He Gets 1,000 Carries
DALLAS--Cowboys running back Eddie George made a bold prediction Tuesday. The former Tennessee Titan promised to rush for one thousand yards this year, but the promise had a condition: that he be given one thousand carries in order to attain it. “Give me a thousand carries, and I’ll give this team a thousand yards,” said George confidently. “That’s a promise. You can write that down.” Unfortunately, Coach Bill Parcells indicated that George would not get that many carries this year. “One thousand carries is too much for any one player. We need more balance than that,” he said. “Besides, with the way that guy has been running the past few years, a thousand may not be enough, if you consider how many yards he’s going to lose.”

Fun Cocaine Habit Ruins Football Career
DALLAS--NFL cornerback Ronnie Dawkins was cut by the Dallas Cowboys yesterday after testing positive for cocaine. Dawkins was stunned to learn of the news, and wondered how something so great and rewarding could turn out so bad. “Wow. I can’t believe they cut me for that,” Dawkins told reporters after he left the Cowboys training camp facility. “I’ve been doing coke for years, and it’s been nothing but great fun. Who would’ve imagined it could end up ruining my career? It just goes to show you: sometimes a crippling drug addiction can be a bad thing.”

Wheelchair Athlete Not So Inspirational When Trying To Negotiate Revolving Door
BEAVERTON, OR--Mike Bartlett, world famous wheelchair decathalete, is an inspiration to millions. But he was not so inspirational Friday while trying to negotiate his way through a revolving door at Nike headquarters in Beaverton, Oregon. Bartlett’s wheelchair got stuck in the door and he was unable to free himself without the help of passers by. One witness described the scene as “depressing.”
“Wow, I used to think this guy was such a hero,” she said. “But that wasn’t inspirational at all. It was totally lame. All these people had to help him, and it still took like ten minutes. To think, this is the man I cheered for when he won the wheelchair triathlon on ESPN last month. What was I thinking? He’s a total loser” The woman said she made up for her frivolous cheering by heckling and booing Bartlett as he struggled to maneuver through the entrance.

Arab Female Olympian Exposes Ankles, Nose In Controversial Magazine Spread
ATHENS, GREECE--Shock and disgust rippled across the Arab world Monday when Kuwaiti gymnast Alaa al-Boulmerka posed in FHM magazine with her ankles and nose clearly visible. The provocative and scandalous photos infuriated Islamic Fundamentalists around the world, prompting one prominent Muslim leader to take out a “fatwah” on al-Boulmerka, calling for her death immediately. “Slut! Harlot! She has shamed her religion and must be killed immediately!” proclaimed Ayatollah Ali Sistani, revered Shiite cleric. “If she ever sets foot in the Holy Land again, she will be stoned to death and dragged through the streets. That is a small price to pay for acting like an immodest, Western whore. I just hope no Arab men view these photos. They will be so distracted by her ankles and nose they will forgoe their afternoon prayers.

1985 Version Of Ray Lewis Steals Classmate’s Lunch Money
BARTOW, FL, 1985- Ten-year-old Ray Lewis stole his classmates lunch money yesterday, Bartow Elementary School sources reported. Lewis confronted his younger, smaller classmate, Richie Sumnter, and demanded the boy hand over his money. When the boy refused, Lewis gave him a wedgie, threw him to the ground, and removed the change from his pocket by force. “Gimme that change, motherfucker,” said Lewis. “Gimme it. Which pocket is it in? This one? Good. Now get out my face before I make you my bitch.”

Estaban Loiza Invited To Pitch Next Year’s Home Run Derby
NEW YORK--Yankees hurler Estaban Loiza was the recipient of a once-in-a-lifetime invitation yesterday as baseball commissioner Bud Selig invited him to pitch for the 2005 home run derby. Loiza was chosen, according to Selig, because of his pitching style and tendency to give up the long ball. “Estaban was chosen based on a variety of factors,” said Selig. “With his 89 MPH fastball, his flat cutter, his lazy, hanging curve, and his uncanny knack to place the ball exactly where the hitters want it, he would be the perfect candidate to give the fans the most exciting home run derby in history. We’ve already checked with sluggers in both leagues, and they’re all agree that Estaban would be much more effective than a hitting coach or a pitching machine.”

Miami Hurricanes Season Cancelled Out Of Respect For Hurricane Victims
MIAMI--The Miami Hurricanes received some bad news today when Governor Jeb Bush ordered the team to cancel their entire football season. The decision was made out of respect for the victims of hurricane Charley, which devastated several areas of Florida. Governor Bush called for the team to “cease all football related operations” until further notice. “I understand the people of Miami are disappointed, but this is the only decent thing to do,” said Bush. “Hurricane Charley has ruined the lives of thousands of Floridians, and this blatant and painful flaunting of the word ‘hurricane’ is hurtful and disrespectful. For all you football fans out there, why don’t you watch the Seminoles or the Gators? For Christ’s sake, what’s the difference?” Bush may also recommend the team change it’s name entirely. Among the suggestions were “Tulips,” “Dandelions,” and “Unicorns.”

Terrorist Arrives At Olympics One Day Too Late
ATHENS, GREECE--Hamsi Ratef, crazed suicide bomber, arrived at the Olympics one day too late yesterday, and was unable to commit the terrorist act he had planned. Ratef had traveled by bus from Anarka, Turkey all the way to Athens in order to arrive in time for the closing ceremonies, where he would blow himself up at the entrance, sending a message to the infidels and Satans. Unfortunately, the games are over. “What happened? I was told to get here in time for the closing ceremonies,” said exasperated Ratef. “I knew I should have left earlier. I told my Al Qaeda handler that we were cutting it a little close. Now what am I supposed to do? I’m stuck with this stupid bomb around my waist and nothing to blow up. Perhaps I will approach that small café over there and destroy it. The owner is probably a Zionist pig anyway.”