The Brushback In Brief

Panhandler Calls For Increase In Revenue Sharing
Ralph Wienkewitz, a Columbus-area panhandler, called for an increase in revenue sharing from businessmen walking past his cardboard box in the city’s center. Wienkewitz shouted the demand loudly while grasping a tin cup half-filled with change.
“Come on, people. All I’m askin for is a little spare change, here,” said the 53-year-old. “Hey, you look like you could spare more than a dime, pal. Come on, share the wealth here. You can afford it.” Passing pedestrians were quick to point out that revenue sharing, while a good way to provide financial assistance to the needy, is actually un-American. “So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to give you the money that I earned, while you sit around all day and beg? Gimme a break,” said David Wright, 32-year-old systems analyst. “It’s not my fault you spend all your money on booze and drugs. You should be more responsible. Here. Here’s a dime. Now leave me alone.”

Mike Hampton Pitches Five Decent Innings
Mike Hampton, pitcher for the Atlanta Braves, continued his mediocre career by pitching 5 decent innings against the Baltimore Orioles on Sunday. It was the tenth start this year that Hampton failed to get out of the fifth inning, and the third straight start that could be described as “decent.” “Well, Mike went out there and pitched 5 good innings for us, only letting up a couple runs and walking three,” said Manager Bobby Cox. “That’s pretty much what we’ve come to expect from him—mediocrity. Some days I wish he would completely bottom out and become the suckiest pitcher and baseball. Then we could at least put him on waivers and be done with him.” After the game, Hampton told reporters that he would continue to do just enough to keep himself from being sent to triple A.

ESPN.com Feeling Threatened By New Sports Blog
Executives at ESPN are reportedly “extremely concerned” about a new sports blog that debuted last week. The new blog, Ray’s Sports Exchange, is said to offer opinions, discussions, and links to the day’s top stories. The owner of the blog, Ray Mohler, is a 27-year-old sales assistant for a carpet company. “Look, we don’t like people to see us sweat, but I’d be lying if I said we weren’t keeping abreast of the situation,” said George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN. “Having another website where fans can find news and opinion is a direct threat to us. If people have an opportunity to hear Ray Mohler’s take on the news of the day, why would they turn to Peter Gammons, Bill Simmons, or Jim Caple? We’re used to being the only game in town and frankly, we’re threatened.” Bodenheimer and his staff are currently seeking ways to undermine the new blog, including hacking into the site or convincing Mohler to abandon it and join the ESPN.com staff.

Husband Joins Wednesday Night Drinking League
Charles Clifton, husband of Mary Clifton, announced today that he has joined a Wednesday night drinking league. The league meets every Wednesday at the Golden Pin in Ithaca, NY. Though it is techinically a bowling league, its main purpose is to provide an excuse for its members to get loaded. At the end of the year, a banquet is held so that the league participants can have another place to get piss drunk. Mary Clifton says she is glad to see her husband have a hobby and a social life. “It’s good for a man his age to get out at night and be with his friends,” she said. “He can’t be just sitting around all night watching TV. He needs a social life, and drinking is as good a hobby as any. He must be getting really good at it, since he’s there so late every Wednesday.”
Charles has also announced that he’s playing in a charity drinking tournament next weekend at the Oakdale Country Club.

Player Who Left Everything On Field Forced To Drive Home Naked
Reggie Walker, a hard-nosed, hustling utility infielder for the Philadelphia Phillies, was forced to drive home naked Sunday after leaving everything he had on the field. His bat, glove, uniform, jockstrap, wedding ring, and gold chain were left in a pile on the Citizens Bank Park outfield grass. Walker said he had no regrets about his actions, and that he was just trying to impress Manager Larry Bowa. “I know that’s the kind of player Larry was, and I know that’s the kind of player he wants on his team,” said Walker. “I just wanted to make a name for myself, and after coming off the field buck naked, I think I probably did.” Unfortunately for Walker, he was demoted to Triple A the next day. Bowa complimented the player, calling him “hard-nosed” but saying he tends to take things “a little to literally.”

Seven Dollar Ballpark Frank Made From The Finest Hog Anuses
Safeco Park vendors defended their decision to charge seven dollars for a hot dog yesterday, claiming that the franks were made from the “finest hog anuses” money can buy. “You pay more because we use the best ingredients,” said Michael Wilson, president of AMG Foods, which handles the vending at San Diego’s new ballpark. “The hog anuses you are eating come from the finest hogs in the land. The cow tongues, intestinal tracts, and various other meat byproducts are absolutely top-of-the line. Seven dollars is the absolute minimum we can charge, believe me.” Wilson also defended his high-priced bottled water, claiming that it made all other water “taste like steaming dogshit.”

Vince Carter Accuses Raptors Of Hating On Him
Vince Carter, forward for the Toronto Raptors, has accused the team’s front office of hating on him. The star player told the Toronto Sun on Friday that GM Rob Babcock and team president Richard Peddie are both player haters, as was evidenced in their refusal to accept his trade demand. “These guys are just hating on me,” said Carter, who issued his trade demand last week through his agent, Mark Steinberg. “Babcock, Peddie—they’re both player haters, and that’s why this trade won’t go down. It really hurts to have your GM and team president hating on you like that. It really sucks.” Babcock issued a statement denying the hating, saying that he actually likes the player very much. “He’s way off base saying those things,” said Babcock. “I don’t hate Vince Carter, the player. I hate Vince Carter, the person.”

Poor Service Disrupts Cingular Call To The Bullpen
Dodgers manager Jim Tracy expressed frustration yesterday when his Cingular Call to the Bullpen was disrupted by Cingular’s poor service. Tracy was attempting to call for a reliever, but his promotional MLB cell phone went dead before he could make the switch. “I really wanted to get [Eric] Gagne warmed up before the ninth, so I gave them a call on this stupid phone,” said Tracy, holding up the cellular phone that was provided as an alternative to the old-fashioned bullpen phone. “I got [bullpen coach Frank] Cloninger on the phone, but just as I was about to give him the green light, the damn thing went dead. Every time I try to use it, it goes dead. Don’t they have cell phone towers in Los Angeles?” Tracy then referred to the monthly plan as his “Cingular fucking blows” plan.

Golf Announcer Whispers He’s Having A Heart Attack
Golf announcer Richard Siskel had a heart attack Sunday while doing commentary for the British Open golf tournament. Unfortunately, he had a difficult time communicating the information to his partner in the polite whisper that is required of PGA commentators. “I’m having a heart attack,” Siskel whispered discreetly, while Ernie Els lined up a crucial putt. “My chest is constricting and I can’t breathe. Call a priest. Please. Hurry.” His partner, Phil Ogden, was unable to distinguish Siskel’s words, and focused intently on Els’s putt while Siskel fell to the ground and blacked out. “Whoa! Great putt!” he exclaimed as Els sunk a ten footer for a birdie. “That’s the kind of play that just might win this tournament for Ernie. Wouldn’t you agree, Richard? Richard?”

12 Drown In NHL Summer League Game
The NHL-sponsored Youth Summer Hockey League continued to have problems today as 12 more people drowned during an outdoor game at Lake Phalen in St Paul, Minnesota. The lake, which is often used for ice hockey during the winter months, proved woefully inadequate for summer hockey. “This is a lake we use frequently during the winter months to play ice hockey,” said Ed Christie, coach of the St Paul Ice Cats. “But something just wasn’t right this time. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but then the players laced on their skates and took to the rink, and one by one they sunk like bowling balls. After the first twelve, I called a stop to the proceedings. We’re going to have to find another rink if we’re going to continue this league.”

Lebron James Buys New Car After Old Car Runs Out Of Gas
Lebron James purchased a new car today, replacing his old car, which had run out of gas. The hoops star was driving his 2004 Lincoln Navigator through his hometown of Akron when the car suddenly stalled. Realizing it had run out of gas, James promptly called for one of his posse members to come pick him up and take him to the nearest Lincoln dealership. “I guess it just slipped my mind to go and fill the tank,” said James. “I was just cruising around and it stopped, just like that. Once I realized I was on empty I knew it was time to buy a new car.” James proceeded to Santili’s Lincoln, where he purchased two Lincoln Navigators. “I’m going to drive around in one of them,” he explained, “and the other one I’m going to have driving behind me in case I run out of gas again and have to abandon this one. See? I can be a pretty thrifty guy.”

Batter Talked Out Of Suicide Squeeze
Tyler Gooden, outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks, was talked out of a suicide squeeze by teammates and coaches yesterday. Gooden, distraught over his inability to hit breaking balls, was on the verge of resorting to the squeeze with a runner on third base during a game against the Houston Astros. Claiming it was “his only option”, Gooden squared to bunt. “No. Tyler, no. Don’t do it,” shouted D’Backs manager Al Pedrique. “It’s only the third inning. You’ve got the whole game ahead of you. Please. It’s not worth it.” At the urging of Pedrique, Gooden finally decided to swing away, hitting a pop fly to right field. He was then placed on the DL and sent for pyschiatric evalution.