The Brushback In Brief

Kurt Warner Makes Triumphant Return To Arena Football League
SIOUX CITY, IA--After a brief, four-year interruption in which he went to the NFL and achieved superstardom, Iowa’s own Kurt Warner is back where he belongs: with the Iowa Barnstormers of the Arena Football League. The Barnstormers have signed Warner to a three-year deal for an undisclosed amount of money, and announced that he will take over the starting quarterback job next season. Warner and his wife, Brenda, are thrilled at the move. “Wow, Kurt’s really come full circle,” said Brenda. “Just think, a couple of years ago he was an NFL quarterback, winning MVP awards and Superbowl championships. He’s gone from that to the Iowa Barnstormers. Only in America.” “It’s just goes to show you,” said Kurt. “God works in mysterious ways. He obviously wanted me to come back to Iowa and play for the Barnstormers. Why? Like I said, he works in mysterious ways. Extremely mysterious ways. This is frigging surreal.”

Chan Ho Park Wondering What He Has To Do To Get Released
ARLINGTON, TX--The Rangers Chan Ho Park, who has just been placed on the disabled list again and has been a complete disaster since signing with the team in 2002, is wondering what the hell he has to do to get released. The right hander has a 5.80 ERA this season and has been hovering around 6.00 in his three years with the team. Shockingly, the Rangers have yet to release him. “What the fuck?” asked an exasperated Park. “How can I still be on this team? I’ve been terrible since day one, I’ve had several injuries, and I’m not getting any better. In fact, I’ll probably get worse. That’s how horrible I am right now.” Rangers owner Tom Hicks indicated that he has no plans to release Park. “Chan Ho is a real solid pitcher. He just hasn’t found his stride yet,” said Hart. “He’s ready to have a big bust-out year. I just know it. All he needs to do is stay healthy and develop some remedial pitching skills.”

USA Basketball Team Begs Dirk Nowitski To Become US Citizen
ATHENS, GREECE--Faced with an ever-shrinking roster of players and an impending deadline, USA basketball coach Larry Brown is now openly begging Dallas’s Dirk Nowitski to become an American citizen. The move would allow the 6’10 German to compete in the summer Olympics on the US men’s basketball team. As of press time, Nowitski had not responded to the request. “Dirk, we need you. We really, really need you,” said Brown at a press conference Tuesday. “Become an American citizen. It’s fun. You get all kinds of perks, and you’re respected the whole world over. Just watch the great reception we’ll be getting in Athens.” Brown added that if Nowitski did not accept the invitation, he would move on to other European players, such as Peja Stojakovic or Tony Parker. If that fails, Brown plans to recruit WNBA sensation Diana Taurasi.

Shaquille O’Neil Announces Plans To Yell ‘Motherfucker’ After Next Slam Dunk
LOS ANGELES--The Lakers Shaquille O’Neil announced plans today to yell “motherfucker” following his next slam dunk. The star center said the decision to shout the obscenity came after a long deliberation. “I’ve been thinking of shouting something after my next slam dunk, and ‘motherfucker’ seems to be the most appropriate and effective word,” said O’Neil. “I’ve been mulling it over for a while, and after bouncing it off my friends and family, I’ve decided to go with it. My plan is to jam the ball through the hoop very hard, then survey the entire arena while shouting ‘Motherfucker! Yea, Motherfucker!’ It may not be the most subtle word, but it does convey an attitude of bravado, toughness, and in-your-face-ness that defines my image.” O’Neil also noted that he pondered shouting “How you like me now, bitch,” “Step to this, all you playa hatas,” and “Yeaa boyyyy,” but eventually settled on “motherfucker” because it’s original and has a nice ring to it.

Cardinals Hoping Emmitt Smith Will Heroically Leave Team, Join Armed Forces
PHOENIX, AZ--According to team sources, the Arizona Cardinals are hoping that veteran running back Emmitt Smith will heroically choose to leave the team and join America’s armed forced overseas. The move would free up a roster spot for some of the team’s hungry young talent. “We love Emmitt, but we really don’t have room for him anymore,” said one team official. “We don’t have the heart to cut him, so it would be really great if he would make a selfless and heroic decision to leave his cushy job and go fight in the war. That would be really inspirational to all of us. He doesn’t even really have to fight. Even if he just joined up to travel around and raise troop moral that would be fine. Anything to get him the hell out of here. We have plenty of people who can hold a clipboard.”
When reached for comment, Smith said that he would not be leaving the team, and vowed to mentor the younger players who don’t want to be mentored.

Tattooed, Cornrowed NBA Player Proud Of Being Conformist
DETROIT--The Detroit Pistons Richard Hamilton, an NBA player with cornrows in his hair and tattoos on his arms, is proud to be a conformist, sources reported Tuesday. The shooting guard from University of Connecticut said he always wanted to be a conformist, and joining the NBA has finally made that dream come true. “I’ve always wanted to look exactly like everybody else,” said Hamilton, who occasionally wears a headband for no reason other than his insatiable desire to conform. “When I was at UCONN, I was clean cut and didn’t have any tattoos. But when I joined the NBA, I got the official NBA makeover. It’s like a rite of passage. Rigid conformity is what this league is all about. I’m just happy to be part of it.”

Ken Griffey Jr. Strains Last Remaining Unstrained Muscle
CINCINNATI--Reds slugger Ken Griffey Jr. went on the disabled list today after straining his last remaining unstrained muscle. The muscle, named the soleus, is located in the calf-area. Griffey strained it while chasing down a fly ball in the outfield. As soon as it happened, the outfielder knew he was in trouble. “Yep, that’s it. That’s the last one,” he said as he limped off the field with help from trainers. “I don’t have any more muscles to pull, strain, or tear. I guess the good news is that it can’t get any worse.” Later that night, Griffey was seriously injured when a piano fell on his head as he was walking into his apartment building.

Annoying Rasheed Wallace Won’t Stop Quoting Jean-Paul Sartre To Teammates
DETROIT--According to teammates, the Pistons’ Rasheed Wallace will not stop quoting French existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre. The annoying Wallace is a huge fan of the author and has been using the quotes to try and motivate his teammates during the NBA finals. Unfortunately, his constant philosophizing has become more of a nuisance than an inspiration. “I am so tired of Rasheed quoting that guy,” said forward Rip Hamilton. “My God, it’s like he’s obsessed with him or something. Just the other day at the end of practice he was like ‘To believe is to know you believe, and to know you believe is to not believe.’ I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, and I really don’t care. Who does he think he is, Phil Jackson?” When reached for comment, Wallace had this to say: “I know my teammates sometimes lose patience with my rather liberal use of the words of the great author of Being and Nothingness, but I’m doing it for their own good. After all, it was Sartre who said ‘Existence precedes and rules essence.’ If one can’t take inspiration from words such as these, than we, as a society, have failed. Remember ‘Everything has been figured out except how to live.’

Crippled Athlete Loses Swagger
PHOENIX, AZ--Rich Johnson, left fielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks, was crippled for life when he was involved in a car accident last weekend. He has lost all use of his legs and requires a wheelchair to get around. Since the accident, teammates have noticed a decided lack of swagger in the third-year player. “Richie used to come strutting in here like he was king of the world,” said teammate Shea Hillenbrand. “He was confident, cocksure—he had swagger. Now that swagger is gone, probably because swagger requires fully functioning legs. Oh well, at least he still has his mental swagger, for what that’s worth.

Hesitant Hoops Prospect Dodges Draft, Flees To Canada
NEW YORK--Sebastian Telfair, 18-year old basketball prospect from New York, has dodged the NBA draft and fled to Canada. The 5’10 guard was expected to be drafted in the top ten but reportedly got a case of cold feet. Sunday morning, Telfair tore up his draft card and left the country. “We have reason to believe that Sebastian has gone north of the border in an attempt to dodge the NBA draft,” said Commissioner David Stern. “We understand the draft is a hard thing for a young man to face, especially for a marginally talented clueless high school dufus like Sebastian, but dodging it is the wrong thing to do. Come back home, Sebastian, so we can shower you with riches, no matter how lousy you are.”

Stoned Person Stares Blankly At ESPY Awards Nomination Special
CHULA VISTA, CA--Rich Ingram, 23, of Chula Vista, CA, got stoned Monday evening after work and spent the next hour or so staring blankly at the ESPY Awards nomination special. A thin string of drool dangled from the corner of Ingram’s mouth as he glared, unblinking, at the screen. As Stuart Scott announced the nominees for best male golfer, Ingram’s eyes slowly shut, sending him into a semi-catatonic state that was only broken by a loud SUV commercial. Afterward, Ingram said he had no recollection of watching the nomination special, and that he spent the entire time daydreaming about Cool Ranch Doritos.

Clubhouse Cancer Requests Different Nickname
NEW YORK--Kenny Lofton of the New York Yankees, who has been called a clubhouse cancer several times during his career, has formally requested a different nickname, sources reported. The 37-year-old centerfielder has suggested that teammates and the media think of a new moniker, since his current one is “a little grim.” “I was thinking maybe of a different nickname. Something other than ‘clubhouse cancer’,” said Lofton. “I know it has a nice ring to it, but I was thinking of something else, like ‘K-Lof’. That rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? Or how about ‘The Silent Assassin?’ I’d even settle for something simple, like ‘Swifty’ or ‘Speedy.’ Anything, really, other than clubhouse cancer.” Lofton’s teammates have obliged his request for a new nickname, and are now referring to him as “dickhead”

Bossy Jumbotron Demands Some Noise
PHOENIX, AZ--An incredibly bossy and rude jumbotron at Arizona’s Bank One Ballpark loudly demanded some noise from the crowd during a day game between the Diamondbacks and the New York Mets. After an extended period of inadequate cheering, the jumbotron displayed, in giant block letters, the demand “LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE, PEOPLE!” accompanied by a booming voice. When the fans failed to respond, the jumbotron repeated its demand, only louder and with larger letters. “LET’S MAKE SOME NOISE! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!! I WANNA HERE SOME FUCKING NOISE!!” The frightened crowd responded with a half-hearted cheer, temporarily silencing the overbearing jumbotron.

Martina Navratilova Admits To Being Distracted By Opponent’s Tight Little Ass
NEW YORK--Martina Navratilova’s Wimbledon comeback bid ended Thursday in a second round match against 19-year-old Argentine Gisela Dulko. The 47-year-old was defeated 3-6, 6-3, 6-3 by the 59th ranked Dulko. When asked about the reason for her loss, Navratilova was quick to point out that her opponent is a hot little teenage vixen with a tight ass. “She was very quick and strong, but that’s nothing new to me,” said Navratilova. “The biggest thing, I think, was her tight little ass. Did you see the skirt she was wearing? Or should I say, the tiny sliver of fabric that she passed off as a skirt? Hubba hubba. I’d like to get my hands on that piece of merchandise.” Navratilova then pointed out that when she was in her prime, most of the women’s tennis players looked like out of shape schoolteachers.