The Brushback In Brief

Under Armour Guy Switches To Decaf
ATLANTA, GA--Big E, spokesman for Under Armour apparel, has switched to decaffeinated coffee in an attempt to curb his violent outbursts and short temper. The switch has worked wonders for the muscle bound athlete. “As you know, I’ve had quite a short fuse in the past and have been prone to some pretty scary outbursts,” said Big E, while relaxing at his home in Los Angeles. “I’ve bullied my friends, my fellow weight lifters, and pretty much anyone who wasn’t wearing Under Armour form-fitting lycra workout apparel. Well, my wife decided I should try decaf in the morning instead of the straight black coffee I’ve been drinking. And you know what? It’s worked wonders for me. I’m still very much concerned about this house, and whether or not my colleagues will protect it, but I’m much more laid back about the whole thing. I’d like them to protect the house, but only if they want to.”

Losing Little League Pitcher Suffers Blow To Self Esteem, Head
BIRMINGHAM, AL--Jeremy Robbins, 12-year-old pitcher for the Birmingham (AL) Little League All-Stars, blew his team’s chances Saturday when he surrendered the game winning home run to Georgia’s Kyle Huxley. The loss resulted in a blow to Robbins’ self esteem, as well as a blow to his head, delivered by his irate father. “Damn it. Losing that game really hurt my self esteem,” said Robbins. “But that’s nothing compared to the beating I got from my dad after I got home. He hit me in the head with his shoe.” While the self-esteem blow could result in a lifetime of emotional repercussions, the blow to the head has already resulted in a nasty headache and unsightly bruise.

BCS Bowl Game Invitations To Be Awarded To Highest Bidder
LOS ANGELES--Miles Brand, head of the NCAA bowl committee, announced a new, foolproof system to determine bowl-eligibility. Starting in 2005, all bowl games will be awarded to the highest bidder. “Our long quest for a perfect system has come to an end,” Brand said at a press conference Monday. “It is my pleasure to announce that there will be no more disputes about bowl invitations, and no more national controversy over who is more deserving. From now, whoever comes up with the most cash gets in.” When questioned about the fairness of the new system, Brand pointed out that it’s really not that different than the current system.

Shaquille O’Neil Awfully Boastful In New Rap Song
MIAMI--According to record company sources, Shaquille O’Neil comes across as awfully boastful in his new rap song “You Not the Fightin’ Type.” The song, which calls out several of O’Neil’s enemies and features numerous bits of blatant self-promotion, will hit records stores next week. But the negative buzz has already started, with many people describing Shaq’s lyrics as “conceited.”
“Shaquille is really going to offend a lot of people with these lyrics,” said Darnell Z, vice president of Jive Records, which is distributing the new album. “When he says ‘Even with wings you never as fly as me,’ I think he’s really being a little bit boastful, don’t you? And then when he says ‘You remind me of Kobe Bryant, tryin to be as high as me,’ that’s very confrontational and arrogant. I’m sorry, but the whole thing is just a turn off, and I don’t think the rap world is going to take too kindly to it.”

NFL Game Preempted By Pre-Game Show
FOXBORO, MA--Thursday night’s season opening game between the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots was preempted by ESPN’s special edition of Sunday NFL Countdown. The show, which began Thursday afternoon, went longer than usual and forced producers to skip the first half of the game. “It turns out that the pre-game show was running a little long and we didn’t want to interrupt, so we just started airing the game in the second half,” said producer Sarah McGuire. “We would’ve just cut off the pre-game show altogether, but we didn’t want the America public to miss Steve, Michael, and Tom Jackson discussing their top five free agent signings of the off season. That information is imperative.”

Cornerback Takes Credit For Dropped Pass
NASHVILLE, TN--Titans cornerback Dewayne Rogers took credit for a dropped pass Saturday after he was beaten in coverage by the Dolphins Chris Chambers. The pass was thrown directly into Chambers’ chest but the wide receiver bobbled it and dropped it for an incompletion. Ten yards away from the play, Rogers punched his chest and taunted Chambers. “Yea, motherfucker! Don’t you be comin this way, motherfucker! This is my house!” yelled Rogers. Chambers was confused by Rogers’ taunt since he had clearly been beaten on the play. “What’s up with that guy?” asked Chambers. “I had him beat by about ten yards. I had an open path to the end zone but I dropped the ball. I guess he thinks I heard his footsteps or something. Well I did. They were very faint. In fact, I could barely hear them at all.”

Striped Helmet Causes Bengals Player To Be Mistaken For Actual Tiger
MIAMI--Players and fans ran for cover Sunday night after a Bengals player was mistaken for an actual tiger. Onlookers blamed his striped helmet and shoulder pads for the confusion. Several Dolphins players panicked, only to realize it was just a misunderstanding.
“Aaaaaaah! A tiger! Aaaahhhh! Run! Run! Call animal control!” shouted defensive end Jason Taylor as his team performed stretching exercises before their Sunday night matchup with the Bengals. “My God, it’s an escaped tiger! Oh…wait a minute. That’s not a real tiger. It’s Carson Palmer. My bad.”

Swimsuit Model Concerned About Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx
NEW YORK--Veronica Varekova, cover girl for the 2004 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, is concerned about the legendary SI cover jinx. The 26-year-old model has heard about the jinx from various sports stars and is watching her step lest she fall prey to it. “I am hoping that I don’t get jinxed by being on the cover,” said the Czech Republic native. “I have heard about people who got on the cover and then had some bad luck. I know I am not an athlete in the traditional sense, but I am concerned that I may suffer some malady or tragedy in my future. I just hope it does not involve my breasts, because they are really pretty.”

Chinese Authorities To Lift Ban On Smiling For 2008 Olympics
BEJING--Hu Jintao, president of China, announced plans to lift the country’s ban on smiling during the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. The stunning announcement underscored Jintao’s efforts to soften the image of the world’s largest Communist nation. The ban will be lifted for the duration of the Olympics, and then reinforced immediately afterward. “From the start of the 2008 Olympics to the closing ceremonies, all people of China will be allowed to smile freely and without fear of repercussion,” Jintao said during a press conference Tuesday. “This is to show the world that China is a friendly, warm nation of happy citizens.” Jintao added that after closing ceremonies, any citizen caught smiling would be shot, in accordance with traditional Chinese law.