The Brushback: Archives-Football '09

Patriots Waive Matt Cassell To Avoid Commenting On Him 1/5/09
FOXBORO, MA--The ultra-secretive Patriots took an aggressive step today to avoid commenting on quarterback Matt Cassell's future with the team.

Draft Experts Predict Tebow Will Be Fourth Tight End Selected 1/5/09
GAINESVILLE, FL--With Florida QB Tim Tebow close to deciding on his NFL future, draft experts are debating exactly where the talented youngster will be selected.

Giants Fans To Avoid Internet For Next Few Weeks 1/13/09
E. RUTHERFORD, NJ--Following their team’s ugly, mistake-filled playoff exit, fans of the New York Giants say they will be avoiding the internet for the next couple weeks, in order to shield themselves from the groundswell of backlash against their team and its fans.

Cardinals: ‘Nobody Gave Us A Chance Because We Weren’t Very Good’ 1/20/09
GLENDALE, AZ--After decades of futility, The Arizona Cardinals are finally headed to the Super Bowl. And, like most Super Bowl teams, the Cards are flaunting their success in the faces of those who doubted them.

Rex Ryan Vows Jets Will Lead League In Personal Fouls 1/27/09
NEW YORK--New Jets coach Rex Ryan held an introductory press conference last week in which he promised that the team would be more aggressive on both sides of the ball,“attack through the whistle” and “let the fur fly.”

Ray Lewis Insists Ravens Negotiate Directly With God 2/3/09
BALTIMORE--Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, a free agent, has told GM Ozzie Newsome and owner Steve Bisciotti that they are to negotiate directly with God on any possible contract extension.

Super Bowl XLIII Voted Worst Ever By Arizona Residents 2/3/09
GLENDALE--In an opinion poll conduced by the Arizona Republic, Super Bowl 43 was voted the “worst Super Bowl ever.”

Rich Rodriguez Orders Whistleblowers To Do 10 Extra Laps 9/1/09
ANN ARBOR, MI--Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez, who has been accused by several players of violating NCAA rules regarding practice time and workout schedules, ordered each whistleblower to do 10 extra laps after practice on Monday.

Rams Excited To See Themselves Mentioned In NFL Preview 9/3/09
ST. LOUIS--For Rams players, it was a sign that team has finally arrived. Sports Illustrated's NFL Preview, a widely read, nationally distributed column, contained not one but two mentions of the St Louis Rams.

Crabtree Threatens To Play Entire Season For Free If Niners Don't Meet His Demands 9/10/09
SAN FRANCISCO--There’s been a new development in the standoff between first round draft pick Michael Crabtree and the San Francisco 49ers: Crabtree, who believes the team is lowballing him, is threatening to play the entire season for free if ownership doesn’t increase its offer.

Jim Zorn Concerned His Shitty Quarterback Is Losing Confidence 9/16/09
WASHINGTON, DC--After a Week One loss that featured a disheartening, uninspired performance from his offense, Redskins coach Jim Zorn said he’s afraid that his shitty quarterback is losing confidence.

USC Players Still Getting Laid Like Crazy Despite Loss 9/23/09
LOS ANGELES--The USC Trojans suffered a stunning loss to the Washington Huskies on Saturday, falling 16-13 on a late field goal by Erik Folk. The loss dropped them to 12th in the AP poll. Nevertheless, the Trojans are in high spirits, as they're still getting laid like crazy and should continue to do so regardless of the team’s ranking.

Richard Seymour Wondering Why Raiders Don’t Have Film Room 9/24/09
OAKLAND--Defensive end Richard Seymour has been impressed with his new team so far, but one question continues to dog him as he tries to familiarize himself with the Oakland Raiders organization: why doesn't the team's facility have a film room?

Jets Players Now Cold-Calling Strangers To Talk Trash 9/29/09
NEW YORK--The brash, bold New York Jets have been talking trash with their opponents all season long, but now they seem to have taken their jawing to the next level. According to several reports from around the nation, Rex Ryan’s boys have been cold-calling total strangers to engage in smack talk with them.

Todd Haley To Suspend Next Guy Who Laughs During One Of His Tirades 10/6/09
KANSAS CITY--Chiefs coach Todd Haley issued a stern warning to his players on Tuesday during a meeting in which he lambasted them for their sloppy, mistake-filled play on the field: The next player who snickers during one of his tirades, he warned, will be fined and suspended “until further notice.”

Show Of Emotion After Special Teams Tackle A Little Disturbing 10/6/09
PITTSBURGH--A fairly pedestrian special teams tackle in Sunday’s game between the Steelers and Chargers was followed by a “disturbing” show of emotion that was totally disproportionate to the actual play, witnesses reported. “Sproles, out to the 25, and he’s brought down by Andre Frazier,” said broadcaster Al Michaels.

Offensive Linemen Criticized For Over-Protection Of Quarterbacks 10/13/09
NEW YORK--After a weekend of NFL games that saw several offensive lineman “go overboard ” to protect their quarterbacks from being hit by defenders, players and coaches spoke out against the perceived over-protection of quarterbacks.

Chiefs Still Consider Selves Winless After Beating Redskins 10/19/09
WASHINGTON, DC--The Kansas City Chiefs finally notched their first victory of the season on Sunday, but they aren’t celebrating just yet. Even though they are now 1-5, they are still considering themselves winless since the “victory” came over the hapless Redskins.

Dolphins Surprise Jets With Direct Snap To Quarterback 10/14/09
MIAMI--The Dolphins offense kept the Jets defense off-balance for most of the night on Monday, but saved their biggest surprise for the fourth quarter when they lined up in a conventional formation and direct-snapped to their quarterback, Chad Henne.

6-0 Broncos Have Sights Set On Outstanding Team ESPY 10/22/09
DENVER--The Denver Broncos may be off to a 6-0 start but they know they haven’t accomplished anything yet. According to players and coaches, the ultimate goal remains the holy grail of team sports excellence, the 2010 Outstanding Team ESPY.

Fans To Take Over Redskins Play-Calling 10/27/09
WASHINGTON, DC-With their season all but over after yet another demoralizing loss, the Washington Redskins have decided to take the unprecedented step of allowing their fans to take over the offensive play calling.

Hospitals Gear Up For Rash Of Stomach-Pumpings Ahead Of Florida-Georgia Game 10/28/09
JACKSONVILLE, FL--This Saturday, the Florida Gators and Georgia Bulldogs will meet in Jacksonville for their annual grudge match, otherwise known as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.

Desperate Bucs To Start Brady Quinn At Quarterback 11/4/09
TAMPA--The 0-7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers have tried everything to get a victory this season. Well, almost everything. On Sunday, in a move that confirms they have given up on the 2009 season, the Bucs will start Brady Quinn at quarterback against the Green Bay Packers.

Coach Of Undefeated Team Encourages Players To Get All Caught Up In It 10/6/09
NEW ORLEANS--The New Orleans Saints are now 7-0 and on their way to a division title, and coach Sean Payton has urged his team to “get all caught up in it” and pat themselves on the back for a job well done.

Vernon Gholston Voted NFL's Cleanest Player 11/5/09
NEW YORK--Vernon Gholston is the cleanest player in the NFL, according to a Sports Illustrated poll of 296 players released this week. Gholston, a linebacker for the New York Jets, received a staggering 87 percent of the vote.

NFL Player Who Has Never Missed a Game Preparing For Painful Retirement 11/12/09
DENVER--Casey Wiegmann of the Denver Broncos currently has a 127-game starting streak, most among active NFL centers. The 36-year-old iron man plans to continue playing for as long as possible to delay his excruciatingly painful retirement marred by chronic ailments and overall physical decay.

Concussed NFL Players To Be Shot To Death As Precautionary Measure 11/19/09
NEW YORK--The NFL Concussion Committee, formed by the players union to research the causes and effects of concussions, has recommended that concussed players be shot to death as a precautionary measure, the New York Times reported today.

Browns Coach Blasted For Going For It On Third Down 11/18/09
CLEVELAND--As if things couldn’t get any worse for Eric Mangini, the Browns coach has found embroiled in another controversy, this time over his stunning decision to go for it on 3rd and 2 late in Monday night’s game against the Baltimore Ravens.

Officials Review Play Nobody Had A Problem With In First Place 11/19/09
NASHVILLE, TN--Late in the fourth quarter of a game between the Buffalo Bills and Tennessee Titans, officials decided to stop play and review a call that neither team had a problem with in the first place.

Mark Sanchez Blames Harsh Glare Of New York City Spotlight For Failure To Get Aroused 11/19/09
NEW YORK--Mark Sanchez’ rough year continued on Monday night when he was unable to get an erection during an encounter with a Manhattan college student at his New York City apartment.

Every Notre Dame Fan In Country A Suspect In Jimmy Clausen Punching 11/24/09
SOUTH BEND, IN--According to a report on ESPN.com, Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen was involved in an altercation outside a South Bend, IN restaurant in which he was “sucker punched” by a disgruntled fan.

Jim Fassel Starts Jim Fassel-to-Buffalo Rumor 11/25/09
ORCHARD PARK, NY--The anonymous source who reported that Jim Fassel was the top candidate for the Buffalo Bills head coaching job was, in fact, Jim Fassel, according to Fox’s Jay Glazer.

Your Team’s Head Coach Seen As Great Fit For Notre Dame 11/25/09
BRISTOL, CT--According to ESPN’s Pat Forde, the head coach of your home team is seen as a great fit to replace Charlie Weis at Notre Dame. Forde ranks him number four on his list of most likely candidates to be coaching the Irish next year.

Tony Romo Looking Forward To Getting Shitfaced Night Before Thanksgiving 11/25/09
DALLAS--The holiday season is upon us, and Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is looking forward to his favorite holiday ritual: getting shitfaced the night before Thanksgiving. Per tradition, Romo and friends will hit several Dallas bars then top off the night with a 2 AM “feeding frenzy” at Denny’s.

Report: Vince Lombardi Twitter Account Fake 12/1/09
BRISTOL, CT--According to the Green Bay Press Gazette, a Twitter account attributed to former Packers head coach Vince Lombardi is a fake. The account, which had attracted 10,287 followers since last Monday, posted several inflammatory statements, including one that referred to Ted Thompson as a “gaytard” and one calling Mike McCarthy “a total douche who can’t coach 4 shit.”

NFL Agrees To Throw Records Out The Window For Giants-Cowboys Game 12/4/09
NEW YORK--At the urging of players and coaches from both teams, the NFL has agreed to throw the records out the window before Sunday’s Giants-Cowboys clash. Per the commissioner, all records, both individual and team, will be removed from the NFL’s archives and thrown out a window before the 4:30 pm kickoff.

Saints Think Loser-Heavy Schedule Will Help Them Stay Undefeated 12/7/09
NEW ORLEANS-- We are 12 games into the 2009 NFL season, and there are still two undefeated teams remaining: the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts. While experts argue which team has the better chance of finishing 16-0, the Saints feel they have a decided advantage in their loser-heavy remaining schedule.

Army Of Dipshits Comes Out In Support Of Michael Vick 12/9/09
ATLANTA--A small but determined army of dipshits showed up at the Georgia Dome on Sunday to throw their support behind controversial quarterback Michael Vick, who played in Atlanta two years ago before being jailed for dog fighting.

NFL-Bound Tim Tebow Tells Urban Meyer To Piss Off 12/10/09
GAINESVILLE, FL--With his college career behind him and an NFL career ahead, Florida Gators QB Tim Tebow did something he’s been wanting to do for years: tell his coach, Urban Meyer, to piss off.

Charlie Frye Didn’t Even Know He Was Still In The League 12/16/09
OAKLAND--Quarterback Charlie Frye, whose name has surfaced as a possible replacement for Raiders QB Bruce Gradkowski, was shocked to learn that he is currently on the Raiders roster as a backup QB. The former starter thought he was out of the league by now.

Brian Kelly Assures Notre Dame Players He Will Never Leave Them 12/16/09
SOUTH BEND, IN—New head coach Brian Kelly met with his Notre Dame players for the first time on Saturday, getting to know them and explaining what they can expect from him next season.

Jake Locker Returns To School In Pursuit Of Career Ending Injury 12/16/09
SEATTLE--Washington Huskies quarterback Jake Locker announced Monday that he would return to school for his senior season rather than enter the NFL draft. The 6’3 junior was projected as one of the top quarterbacks in the draft, but wants to play one more year in Washington in order to pursue his ultimate goal of suffering a career-ending injury.

DeSean Jackson Comes Out Of Closet With Latest Touchdown Dance 12/16/09
PHILADELPHIA--Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson showed remarkable courage on Sunday night when he performed an openly gay touchdown dance after catching a long bomb in the third quarter. Jackson later admitted that the dance was meant as a “statement.”

Redskins Comply With Rooney Rule By Interviewing Orange Mike Shanahan 12/28/09
WASHINGTON, DC--The Washington Redskins' head coaching search is under way and it looks like the team has already found its man in former Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan, who is said to have an agreement to take over the team next season.